Embracing imperfection

I am convinced that perfect holidays are complete bullshit perpetuated by Pinterest. I love the holiday season. Every year I get big ideas of doing grand and wonderful things as a family and every year I am disappointed. The fact of the situation is that I have these expectations of a perfect holiday and I put too much pressure on my family to live up to this. After an unsuccessful attempt at holiday fun two weeks ago, I decided to embrace holiday imperfection.

Two weeks ago, we decided to go see the holiday train as it came through Milwaukee. We took the kids out to dinner, stopped for coffee and headed to the train station. Before we even arrived at the train station my son announced he had to pee. Well we were nowhere near a bathroom so he was told he was going to have to hold it for a bit longer.  As we approached the train station, it was clear parking was going to be a challenge.  My hubby dropped us off a few blocks away from the station as he thought we could navigate a little quicker by foot.  We walked to the train station and the closer we got the more I realized there was no way we were getting in there to use the bathroom. I texted my hubby to let him know I was walking down to a hotel a few blocks down to get him to a bathroom. On the way there, my daughter tripped and fell. She was in tears, while my son was whining he "had to pee right now."  We made our way inside only to find the ground level restrooms locked. We made our way to the main lobby and finally found bathrooms. The lobby looked like a ghost town and I caught a disapproving look from an employee cleaning.  At that point, I didn't care as I needed to get this kid to a bathroom now.  We met back up with my husband at the train station and realized that it was going to be hard to see anything.  We were packed tightly in with a large crowd.  I am thankful the weather was mild that night.  It became apparent the train was running late and I did some searching and it was 45 minutes late.  We decided to scrap the plan and head home because the kids were whining and it was a less than exciting experience.  I was so frustrated with the situation and on the way home I said I was done with Christmas even though I had big plans for two weeks later.

Fast forward to the weekend before Christmas.  We decided to do a 5k run with the running store I shop at.  The kids surprisingly got out of bed without much complaining and made our way to the running store.  Within the first half mile, the girls were already fading.  My hubby stayed back with them and Sean and I continued with the rest of the group.  Sean and I had a nice time running together and John and the girls followed behind shortly after.  From there we went to the Mitchell Park Domes.  It was beyond busy that morning and we seemed to be done quicker than I expected.  We headed for lunch and later for some shopping.  We had enough points for a free hotel stay so once we were done shopping, we headed to the hotel to get checked in and settled.  We let the kids chill for a bit before we headed out for Holiday Lites at the Miller Brewing Company.  The kids were grumpy and when we go there they were upset this was outside.  I was starting to become frustrated but realized that it had been a busy day and I needed to cut them some slack.  By the time we actually saw the lights there were in much better moods. I had two beer samples while the rest of the family had soda.  That concluded our day of holiday fun.  It may not be perfect for fun but it was perfect for me.  It was just the five of us and we had fun. 

Lunchtime fun

Lunchtime fun.  I was even brave enough to go without makeup here.  I'm still here to talk about it too. 

I have no idea why she is making this face but it sums up our family and our less than perfect life.

When it comes to actual Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I could do without.  By the time I get to that point, I am just ready for it to be over.  There are reminders of sadness on those days.  When I was 14, my grandpa died on Christmas Eve.  It's traumatic to be dozing off in a hospital waiting room and being awakened by the sounds of your grandma sobbing after losing the love of her life.  It has been over 20 years since that day but it's one of those situations, you just don't forget.  My husband has already lost both of his parents and it is heartbreaking to see your hubby visiting his parents on Christmas at the cemetery.  There is nothing I can do to ease this pain for him this time of year except to hold his hand when he reaches out.  This year was no different as I saw him and my son just standing there having their moment at the cemetery.  The girls weren't strong enough to get out of the car so I sat and held their hands while they cried. 

Aside from the moments of sadness yesterday, we had one of the best Christmases in a long time.  We woke up to the sound of the kids discovering the presents under the tree. Sean woke Mackenzie up in his typical fashion.  Mackenzie grumbled about how tired she was but got up anyway.   There were no fancy electronics under the tree this year and frankly we kept gift giving pretty low key this year.  The kids were grateful for what was given to them this year and I think they are realizing that the things that can be bought in a store are not the things that mean the most.  The things that matter most are the experiences we have together as a family.  My oldest cried when she received her "big" present this year.  It was a ticket to see Idina Menzel in Chicago.  She is already talking about how we are going to spend a summer day in Chicago, stay in a hotel and see the concert together as a family.  We later went to see my parents and sister and when we were done there, came back home to hang out.  The kids and John played legos while I took advantage of the nice weather and went running.  We had dinner together as a family and watched Elf.  It was truly a lovely Christmas. 

As I reflect on this Christmas season, I realize that spending time together and counting our blessings is far more important than the other stuff we think we have to get done for the holiday.  I don't need to make fancy cookies to share with guests.  It's ok to not send Christmas cards if I don't want to.  It's ok to do all my Christmas shopping online and buy gift cards for people if that's what they really want.  From now on, when Christmas overwhelms me I am going to remember the religious reason we celebrate and take a moment to be thankful for my little family.  I am vowing to not get wrapped up in meaningless holiday stuff if it doesn't help me grow as a person or help others.  If we are a bit imperfect, I can accept this.  I would rather be imperfect and real than being a family that is something we are not.  So, for all of you families out there feeling overwhelmed that your house doesn't look like the pictures posted on Pinterest, let it go.  Embrace imperfection and stay true to yourself.  Hope you all had a fabulous holiday. 

Comparison

Comparison. Just don't.

The last few weeks I have been seeing others successes and equating it to a failure on my part.  Whether it was regarding business, family, running, my pants size and whatever else seemed to cross my path.  Much of this was because of things I was seeing on social media.  The thing is that what I see on social media are all the highlights, not the struggles. 

I spent much of the past two weeks reflecting on my reactions to things and wondering why I felt the need to measure my worth based on what others were capable of. My reaction to those situations was mine and mine alone.  Start celebrating your successes and realize there is always opportunity in the failures.  

If your dream is to start a business. Find a way. Don't worry about what others are going to think.  Sucess or failure is based on the effort put in.  We all make choices. Are your choices getting you closer to your goal? 

For now I'm going to work on the things that make me happy. First, I'm going to continue to pour my heart and soul into running. I may never be a 6 minute mile and that's ok. I'm going to celebrate the days where I'm making progress. I will be giddy when I run 10 minute miles rather than apologizing for being slower than someone else. That 10 minute mile is progress for me and I need to celebrate those victories no matter how little. There is always going to be someone faster than me.  Second, I'm going to work on my family. Life is a bit of a challenge these days with juggling opposite schedules, the kids being in school, and sports.  We may make choices not everyone is a fan of but that's ok if we are doing what is best for us. Lastly, I'm going to work on the things that are opportunities for me. There are always things we can get better at and I'm going to take the time to work on those things. 

So, my point is, figure out what makes you happy and go for it. It may be tough.  You may not know where to start but there generally is a way to chase your dreams. You may not think now is not perfect time but guess what it never will be. You need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. For now, I'm not going to worry as much about posts on social media and make my decisions based on what makes my heart happy! 

Baby steps .....

I have been working on gathering the courage to publish this blog for weeks now.  I don't like attention on my but I know there are people who may benefit from my story.  It seems like we are so programmed to expect everything to happen right away. The funny thing is that life doesn't work that way. After I had kids I struggled with my weight. I would go on diets, get frustrated when the results were not quick enough and go back to my old habits. That isn't the answer to lasting success though. About 14 months ago I embarked on a journey that has changed me in ways I could have never expected. My success has stemmed from baby steps, patience, and being ok with taking a few steps back before moving forward again. 

On May 5th, 2013  I woke up and decided I wanted to run a marathon. This is comical because I have never run more than a few blocks at a time.  I found some clothes that would serve as workout clothes and laced up my shoes. My youngest daughter came along with me and we took a walk. We walked about 2.5 miles that day and it took me almost an hour. I was sore for days. The old me would have decided that was enough and given up. But this time I didn't.  I kept pushing and trying. Eventually I was able to cover that same distance in 30 minutes. I set small goals for myself and worked myself towards my first half marathon in November. Since then I have 4 half marathons under my belt and am registered for two full marathons. I will be participating in Chicago in October and the Walt Disney Marathon in January. I am so completely nervous about covering 26.2 miles but a year ago 13.1 seemed completely overwhelming. 

A little more than 6 months ago I started added strength training to my routine. I faithfully got myself out of bed at 4:45 every morning to either get my run in or take a class at my local gym.  I didn't enjoy getting up early and missing out on sleep but I also didn't want to take time away from my family to get the workout done after work.

I started to eat healthier but didn't cut out everything I liked. I just started practicing moderation. Eventually I started cutting out some of the junk. Now, our entire family is on a path to clean eating and getting healthy.  My kids are not completely on board with this but I think over time they will realize they are not being deprived of anything and will enjoy the benefits of less processed food. In 6 months I had dropped several sizes and almost 50 pounds.

Recently I also started adding p90x3 to my routine. It has been tough but I continue to push myself past my comfort zone and do the workouts faithfully. I am feeling so great lately and only wish I had done this sooner. My running has improved in a few weeks of this workout and ran the 5k distance 6 minutes faster than what I could run it a year ago at this time.

The bottom line here is that success isn't given, it is earned. Figure out what you want to accomplish, write down your goals and take small steps working towards them.  Don't give up when you have setbacks because inevitably you will encounter road blocks. How you deal with road blocks will determine your success. Keep dreaming big, pushing yourself and realize that the sky is the limit.

This photo is me about a year ago (left) and a few weeks ago (right). 

These are photos from my four half marathons. 

Where's my cape?

It's been awhile since I have posted something that wasn't a race recap but today was just one of those days I needed to get to get things off my heart.  For the past few weeks I have been feeling very overwhelmed and tonight it came to a head as I was washing dishes after dinner. I literally broke down while scrubbing the crock pot from tonight's dinner. I don't know why that moment got to me but I know for certain it wasn't the dishes that made me sad. I am pretty certain it was due to the fact that the kids were in the living room and I was alone for those 15 minutes.  I try to keep that stressed and sad side of me hidden from them.  While I don't want to hide the fact that I am human and moms sometimes have hard days too, I just don't want them to worry about certain things.  There have been lots of changes over the past few weeks and I have been struggling with managing it all.  Sometimes I just need to let it out so you can move on.

A month ago, we met with our realtor and officially put our land up for sale. This was a bittersweet day. We had been planning on building our dream house for years and we recently had to make the call that this dream was not meant to be. This was one of those decisions that challenged our relationship. It took some perspective to realize that this was just a piece of land for a structure to be placed on and home could be wherever we were together as a family.

During the week, I am going non-stop from 5am until about 8pm. While I love being a mom, it is exhausting sometimes.  I am getting burned out from commuting 45 miles each way to work and wonder how I am going to mange all the responsibilities once the kids are back in school. The kids have after school commitments and I want to be there to support them. When I can't, it makes me feel like a failure to my kids.  All I want is to be closer to work but that isn't an option. Hearing it is only a few more years is hard because it feels like an eternity. Winter in Wisconsin feels like it lasts for 9 months of the year. I am trying to be positive but the closer we get to September the more anxious I get. I am hoping for some sort of miracle but I don't think it is likely. Then I wonder what in the world are we going to do when this house finally sells.

I have been frustrated with certain relationships lately. Sometimes it feels like certain relationships are one sided.  While relationships aren't about keeping score, it is hard when you are the one putting in all the effort. It is frustrating when people you thought were friends seems to disappear without an explanation. All I can do is wonder what I could have done differently. I am fortunate for new relationships I am forming with some people that are as passionate about running as I am.

Keeping our marriage strong these days requires a bit of work as our schedules often overlap so our time together is more about quality than quantity. We get an hour for a date once every three weeks and then it is usually an hour at Starbucks. It is hard to stay connected sometimes.  Most of the communication we have these days is regarding what needs to be done in the house and things I need to know about the kids.  Communication is generally through email and texting. Then there is the paralyzing fear that sets in on nights that my husband isn't home within 30 minutes of his shift ending.

As I write this I begin to find myself feeling guilty because there are so many others going through much worse. Even so, we all have bad days and it's ok to recognize the human side and work through the feelings. So tonight, after the kitchen was cleaned the kids and I got into the car, headed to Starbucks and played scrabble while the rain fell outside. While I didn't solve any of my problems during that time, I did forget about them for a bit and just enjoyed the time with my kids.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will just take things one day at a time.  For now, have a good night friends.

Unexpected

Lately I have been reflecting a lot on 2013. It's inevitable when you spend 10 hours a week commuting. This is the time where I analyze, obsess, and think about life's events. 2013 has really been an unexpected year in so many ways. As a family we went through highs, lows and everything in between.  It's been a tough year. 2013 has also been a year or learning and growth too. 

In the early part of the year we prepared for a move to another state for a two year period of time for my job. While a move to another state might not be so terrible we were going to be splitting up the family to make this happen. The kids and I would be moving 800 miles while my husband stayed here for his job. The kids would be with me during the school year because I couldn't be without them. They would then come back to Wisconsin for the summer to spend with their dad. We knew there were going to be challenges with maintaining a marriage and family from 800 miles away but we knew there was much to be gained from this. During this process people speculated John and I were getting divorced and this decision was all some people could talk about. This couldn't have been further from the truth and it hurt me that people would spread these rumors. During the 8 months this was being planned I was a wreck. I knew in my heart this was right but also wondered if we could make it through. In the end the move didn't happen and I fell apart. My husband was an amazing support through this. He held my hand when I cried and helped me move on.

I discovered running this year. I went from barely exercising and not being able to run a block to finishing a half marathon in November.  In all this I discovered a me I didn't know existed. I became less concerned with the little stuff and just started living. I became a more confident me. I am setting a good example for my kids and husband. In many ways running saved me from this crazy year. I am planning at least three more half marathons for 2014 and I hope to run the Chicago marathon in the fall. 

This is me right before the finish line of the half marathon and there was so much emotion at this very moment. It brings tears to my eyes as I look at this and relive this moment.

This is John, Kenzie and I on Thanksgiving after running with myTeam triumph. It was a great experience and even better was that the three of us did it together. 

I realized who my true friends were this year. There are those friends who knew when I needed something before I could even say anything. I am grateful for the friends who celebrated my victories as if they were their own. I am so grateful for these special ladies that have been part of my life for many years and even though we may not see each other as often as we like we always pick up like we never missed a beat. Sadly during this there were people I thought were friends that rarely checked in. I learned that sometimes people will take advantage of you and will assume you will always be there for them but suddenly go missing when you need them. 

My husband and I said goodbye to a big dream of ours. This challenged our marriage to the core. We were forced to be honest with each other.  We realized that a higher power has a plan for us and it wasn't what we had thought. While we still don't have the answers we need we do realize that letting go was exactly what we needed. Letting go helped us to realize what could be.

My hubby and I in Chicago at the Christmas parade.

I was able to give back to my parents this year and it was one of the best experiences ever.  They sacrificed for years as we grew up to make sure we had what we needed. There was never any shortage of love and to this day they are still my biggest supporters. While I can never repay them for all they have done, I hope this summer was a start. 

2013 wasn't my favorite year but I learned so much about myself in the process. I learned the importance of being true to myself. I learned that love is a pretty amazing thing and in the end sometimes it's all we really need. I learned that family is an amazing thing and I am so thankful for the family we have made. Here's to a great 2014 for all my family and friends! 

98

My story starts five weeks ago  when I decided I was going to sign up to run a 10k in September. Yes, me, run a 10k. I have never been a runner so this meant that the next few months were going to require a lot of work on my part. I found a training plan and found that what I was attempting was going to be much harder than I expected. I found on days that I had to run for more than a minute at a time I was challenged beyond what I felt I was capable of. There were days I was ready to give up because I was tired, not seeing the progress that I was expecting, and felt like this was a lost cause. I have never been one to give up so I just kept going. I religiously got up early in the morning even though staying in bed seemed like a much better plan. I repeated some days of the training program until it became easier and felt like I could move on. I am not going to lie, there have been tears during the last few weeks. I found the struggle was more than just the physical challenge. The challenge was a mental challenge too.  Some days I felt defeated because I had gotten slower. I took several steps backwards before I started to move forward. 

Last week I felt like I hit a turning point. I found that my legs didn't hurt as much when I was running anymore and I was getting faster during the times I was running. I was feeling better about my progress. I was feeling so good that I decided I was going to walk in the Bellin Run yesterday. I enlisted my dad to tag along with me. We both had our doubts about how well we would do. My dad was hoping to get done in 1:50 and I was hoping for under 1:40. I will never forget the feeling of walking across the finish line yesterday. It was an amazing experience. Imagine my delight in getting an official time of 1:38. I realized that after yesterday you just have to try even when it seems to hard. It is ok to have bad days because the next day will be better. I am proud of how far I have come and am looking forward to seeing what else this girl can accomplish.


I came home to the sweetest card from my husband and kids telling me how proud they were of me. You better believe I will be saving these things as a reminder of how far I have come.

To my daughters .....

Lately, there has been a lot on my heart.  Some of you out there are aware because you have offered support, friendship and advice.  For that I thank you. This has helped more than you will ever know.  Others have decided that spreading rumors and sharing stories that weren't ready to be shared was acceptable. This has been hurtful. All of this has reminded me that some things don't change and the things that troubled me as a teenager still happen as an adult. Here is some advice for my daughters as you start to deal with these issues.

Life is hard. Like, really hard.

I don't say this to scare you, but it isn't always easy. People will pick on you and friendships will be tested. Those people that are truly your friends will be there when you need it most. People will define your worth by the house you live in, the clothes you wear, or even the part of town you live in. Your value in life is not based on any of that. It is your actions that define you as a person.

I spent much of my life listening to those who thought I was worth less because I didn't live on the right part of town. I tried to find ways to fit in with these people. In the end, it didn't matter because even if I could convince these people to be my friends they weren't going to be there for me when I really needed a friend.

Even though life is hard, that hard work will often lead to something amazing. I went through a lot of hard stuff and as a result I have a wonderful family. That is worth more than anything money can buy.

Follow your dreams
People will doubt your abilities and try to tell you that you can't do something. Don't listen. You two are the most headstrong girls I have ever met and I know that your dreams are going to take you big places. Yes, you will doubt your abilities and question whether you can go on, but challenge yourself. You may just surprise yourself.

Listen to your heart

Deep down you will always know the right thing to do. Listen to what you know is right and don't be afraid to follow your dreams because you are afraid to change. That voice may take you somewhere greater than you ever expected.

Love with all your heart

You two are already headed in the right direction with this one, but never be afraid to love others.  You will be in relationships that may not work but know you will grow from every relationship you have. Never be afraid to love because you are afraid to get hurt. The hurt helps us learn and find the love we truly deserve.

I am so glad I listend to my heart and fell for your dad. He is pretty amazing.


Help Others
 I see the two of you worry about others, and it melts my heart. Never be afraid to help someone in need. Smile at others. When you see someone alone, say hi. It may mean more than you will ever know. Stand up for what you believe in even though it may not be the cool thing to do. The world needs more girls like you. This point leads me to my next ....

Ask for help

Know your limitations and ask for help when you need it. No one is expecting you to be superwoman. Asking for help doesn't make you weak or a failure. There are times where your worries are too great  and you need someone to listen.  Please don't be afraid to ask for help. Your dad and I will always be here for you. Always.

I have learned the hard way on this one.

Travel

Go see new places and meet new people. Take time for yourself and relax. Take in the beauty this world has to offer. We have done what we can to take you new places and will continue to do so. Nothing is better than time spent together. Those are the things you will remember when you are older. Even though it scared you at the time, you still talk about the trips where we had to leave the hotel due to a fire alarm going on off in the middle of the night.

Make Mistakes

You will make mistakes sometimes. We all do. Don't beat yourself up about it. You will learn from these mistakes. Don't be afraid to admit when you have made a mistake. This shows a lot about your character. Others will respect you when you can admit you made a mistake and are willing to fix it and learn from it.

Big things are in store for our entire family over the next year. I know you are scared. I am too. We are in this together. I hope you know how much you are loved.

Don't worry I haven't forgotten your brother. I have advice for him too.

Love,

Mom