Unexpected

Lately I have been reflecting a lot on 2013. It's inevitable when you spend 10 hours a week commuting. This is the time where I analyze, obsess, and think about life's events. 2013 has really been an unexpected year in so many ways. As a family we went through highs, lows and everything in between.  It's been a tough year. 2013 has also been a year or learning and growth too. 

In the early part of the year we prepared for a move to another state for a two year period of time for my job. While a move to another state might not be so terrible we were going to be splitting up the family to make this happen. The kids and I would be moving 800 miles while my husband stayed here for his job. The kids would be with me during the school year because I couldn't be without them. They would then come back to Wisconsin for the summer to spend with their dad. We knew there were going to be challenges with maintaining a marriage and family from 800 miles away but we knew there was much to be gained from this. During this process people speculated John and I were getting divorced and this decision was all some people could talk about. This couldn't have been further from the truth and it hurt me that people would spread these rumors. During the 8 months this was being planned I was a wreck. I knew in my heart this was right but also wondered if we could make it through. In the end the move didn't happen and I fell apart. My husband was an amazing support through this. He held my hand when I cried and helped me move on.

I discovered running this year. I went from barely exercising and not being able to run a block to finishing a half marathon in November.  In all this I discovered a me I didn't know existed. I became less concerned with the little stuff and just started living. I became a more confident me. I am setting a good example for my kids and husband. In many ways running saved me from this crazy year. I am planning at least three more half marathons for 2014 and I hope to run the Chicago marathon in the fall. 

This is me right before the finish line of the half marathon and there was so much emotion at this very moment. It brings tears to my eyes as I look at this and relive this moment.

This is John, Kenzie and I on Thanksgiving after running with myTeam triumph. It was a great experience and even better was that the three of us did it together. 

I realized who my true friends were this year. There are those friends who knew when I needed something before I could even say anything. I am grateful for the friends who celebrated my victories as if they were their own. I am so grateful for these special ladies that have been part of my life for many years and even though we may not see each other as often as we like we always pick up like we never missed a beat. Sadly during this there were people I thought were friends that rarely checked in. I learned that sometimes people will take advantage of you and will assume you will always be there for them but suddenly go missing when you need them. 

My husband and I said goodbye to a big dream of ours. This challenged our marriage to the core. We were forced to be honest with each other.  We realized that a higher power has a plan for us and it wasn't what we had thought. While we still don't have the answers we need we do realize that letting go was exactly what we needed. Letting go helped us to realize what could be.

My hubby and I in Chicago at the Christmas parade.

I was able to give back to my parents this year and it was one of the best experiences ever.  They sacrificed for years as we grew up to make sure we had what we needed. There was never any shortage of love and to this day they are still my biggest supporters. While I can never repay them for all they have done, I hope this summer was a start. 

2013 wasn't my favorite year but I learned so much about myself in the process. I learned the importance of being true to myself. I learned that love is a pretty amazing thing and in the end sometimes it's all we really need. I learned that family is an amazing thing and I am so thankful for the family we have made. Here's to a great 2014 for all my family and friends! 

98

My story starts five weeks ago  when I decided I was going to sign up to run a 10k in September. Yes, me, run a 10k. I have never been a runner so this meant that the next few months were going to require a lot of work on my part. I found a training plan and found that what I was attempting was going to be much harder than I expected. I found on days that I had to run for more than a minute at a time I was challenged beyond what I felt I was capable of. There were days I was ready to give up because I was tired, not seeing the progress that I was expecting, and felt like this was a lost cause. I have never been one to give up so I just kept going. I religiously got up early in the morning even though staying in bed seemed like a much better plan. I repeated some days of the training program until it became easier and felt like I could move on. I am not going to lie, there have been tears during the last few weeks. I found the struggle was more than just the physical challenge. The challenge was a mental challenge too.  Some days I felt defeated because I had gotten slower. I took several steps backwards before I started to move forward. 

Last week I felt like I hit a turning point. I found that my legs didn't hurt as much when I was running anymore and I was getting faster during the times I was running. I was feeling better about my progress. I was feeling so good that I decided I was going to walk in the Bellin Run yesterday. I enlisted my dad to tag along with me. We both had our doubts about how well we would do. My dad was hoping to get done in 1:50 and I was hoping for under 1:40. I will never forget the feeling of walking across the finish line yesterday. It was an amazing experience. Imagine my delight in getting an official time of 1:38. I realized that after yesterday you just have to try even when it seems to hard. It is ok to have bad days because the next day will be better. I am proud of how far I have come and am looking forward to seeing what else this girl can accomplish.


I came home to the sweetest card from my husband and kids telling me how proud they were of me. You better believe I will be saving these things as a reminder of how far I have come.

To my daughters .....

Lately, there has been a lot on my heart.  Some of you out there are aware because you have offered support, friendship and advice.  For that I thank you. This has helped more than you will ever know.  Others have decided that spreading rumors and sharing stories that weren't ready to be shared was acceptable. This has been hurtful. All of this has reminded me that some things don't change and the things that troubled me as a teenager still happen as an adult. Here is some advice for my daughters as you start to deal with these issues.

Life is hard. Like, really hard.

I don't say this to scare you, but it isn't always easy. People will pick on you and friendships will be tested. Those people that are truly your friends will be there when you need it most. People will define your worth by the house you live in, the clothes you wear, or even the part of town you live in. Your value in life is not based on any of that. It is your actions that define you as a person.

I spent much of my life listening to those who thought I was worth less because I didn't live on the right part of town. I tried to find ways to fit in with these people. In the end, it didn't matter because even if I could convince these people to be my friends they weren't going to be there for me when I really needed a friend.

Even though life is hard, that hard work will often lead to something amazing. I went through a lot of hard stuff and as a result I have a wonderful family. That is worth more than anything money can buy.

Follow your dreams
People will doubt your abilities and try to tell you that you can't do something. Don't listen. You two are the most headstrong girls I have ever met and I know that your dreams are going to take you big places. Yes, you will doubt your abilities and question whether you can go on, but challenge yourself. You may just surprise yourself.

Listen to your heart

Deep down you will always know the right thing to do. Listen to what you know is right and don't be afraid to follow your dreams because you are afraid to change. That voice may take you somewhere greater than you ever expected.

Love with all your heart

You two are already headed in the right direction with this one, but never be afraid to love others.  You will be in relationships that may not work but know you will grow from every relationship you have. Never be afraid to love because you are afraid to get hurt. The hurt helps us learn and find the love we truly deserve.

I am so glad I listend to my heart and fell for your dad. He is pretty amazing.


Help Others
 I see the two of you worry about others, and it melts my heart. Never be afraid to help someone in need. Smile at others. When you see someone alone, say hi. It may mean more than you will ever know. Stand up for what you believe in even though it may not be the cool thing to do. The world needs more girls like you. This point leads me to my next ....

Ask for help

Know your limitations and ask for help when you need it. No one is expecting you to be superwoman. Asking for help doesn't make you weak or a failure. There are times where your worries are too great  and you need someone to listen.  Please don't be afraid to ask for help. Your dad and I will always be here for you. Always.

I have learned the hard way on this one.

Travel

Go see new places and meet new people. Take time for yourself and relax. Take in the beauty this world has to offer. We have done what we can to take you new places and will continue to do so. Nothing is better than time spent together. Those are the things you will remember when you are older. Even though it scared you at the time, you still talk about the trips where we had to leave the hotel due to a fire alarm going on off in the middle of the night.

Make Mistakes

You will make mistakes sometimes. We all do. Don't beat yourself up about it. You will learn from these mistakes. Don't be afraid to admit when you have made a mistake. This shows a lot about your character. Others will respect you when you can admit you made a mistake and are willing to fix it and learn from it.

Big things are in store for our entire family over the next year. I know you are scared. I am too. We are in this together. I hope you know how much you are loved.

Don't worry I haven't forgotten your brother. I have advice for him too.

Love,

Mom

Courage

Let me just say writing this post makes me uncomfortable because it makes me vulnerable. Sharing how I truly feel is something most people don't see because I am the type that tries to smile when I am falling apart. I have had to do it for much of my life because others needed me to be strong.  It didn't feel fair to have a moment to be sad knowing there is always someone out there dealing with something worse. Being vulnerable right now seems like the only thing I can do since the tears have been rolling down my face for the last 12 hours. My husband has been here to hold my hand and I know he is ready to fix it but I just can't bring myself to speak.

For many years I struggled with accepting myself as I was. I was always more concerned about being the person others wanted. Let me tell you that is exhausting. Finally, my husband came into my life and made me see all the things I couldn't see. I became comfortable being the person I was and it felt great.  I realized that if people didn't want to be my friend for superficial reasons they probably didn't share my values and it truly was their loss. I will be forever grateful to my husband for that. Recently I have been struggling with some things I haven't for in years and I realize that it is because I worry about trying to be something I'm not. I have lost some of that confidence.

What really has me shaken is something that happened over the weekend.  Yesterday I stood up for myself and others. I normally don't with this person and just let the comments slide because it is just easier. Finally I had enough and decided to speak my mind. Well now I am filled with regret and my heart is heavy. I know it needed to be done but unfortunately the kids and I have so much to lose as a result. This should be a victory because I finally summoned up the courage to stand up for myself but instead I feel alone and hurt. I feel hurt because I wonder when someone is going to stand up for me instead of letting "mean" win.

For now all I can do is protect myself and my family from further hurt, pray and hug my hubby and kids tight. I need to trust that in the end good wins.

Live. Love. Hope.

The last few weeks have really had me doubting my faith in humanity. First the mass shooting in a Colorado movie theater then a shooting in a house of worship. People go to church to find peace, pray, and feel safe. I wondered how people could continue to feel safe carrying on with their every day life. Then a week and a half ago I saw the YouTube video that inspired many.

A man from my hometown received the news that his cancer was back and there was nothing more that could be done. He posted his final goodbye in a heart breaking video. What happened after that was simply amazing. A friend started a Facebook group and had thousands of members within 24 hours, a tribute video was made by an exceptional woman, celebrities shared Eric's story on Twitter and people all over the would showed their love and support for Eric. People were showing their support by coloring the city orange. Stores in many cities ran out of orange balloons as people tried to show their support. I have never met Eric but I feel inspired by him. His attitude and outlook on life has shown me that some things are worth fighting for and that hope can be found in spite of tragedy. Seeing a community come together like they did for Eric is nothing short of amazing. Through this tragedy my faith in humanity has been restored.

As you live your life take risks, love with all your heart, say "I love you' often, and don't wait for tomorrow to follow your dreams. Take the time to tell those people in your life you love them. Remember that the little nuicances in life are just that. Thank you Eric for helping the world slow down for a little bit and may your family find peace.

I don't wanna ....

Tonight, after about the millionth fight about this house, I have come to the painful realization our house is going to be put up for sale in the next two months. This shouldn't surprise me, we have had land to build our new house for years, have had plans drawn up for the new house and have even started to put things in storage for the new house. This should be happy and exciting but instead I am filled with worry, anxiety, and sadness. We need space and I won't deny that. Five people living in a 950 square foot house certainly poses a challenge.

We have lived in our house for almost 13 years. Probably about 10 years longer than we anticipated when we bought this house. I always said I couldn't wait to sell this house and have a new house, but now that the time is almost here, I don't feel like I can. I remember my husband telling me how the previous owner cried when they closed on the house. He said he couldn't imagine why, because after all it was just a house. I now understand why. This is the place we came home to the day after we were married. I told my husband we were going to be parents in the living room we are currently sitting in. This is the place we came home to, completely exhausted, after having all three of our children, Our kids took their first steps in this home. We have experienced both joy and sorrow in this house. We have had countless fights in this house and have also made up many times. There have been times when one or both of us felt like walking away but we have always come back.

As I wipe away my tears, I know what I need to do. I need to start packing up some of our stuff and get this house ready for the market. Some of the stuff will be placed in out storage unit and some of our stuff will be taken to my parents house (although I haven't told them that yet). Yes, mom that means you get to guard my purse and shoe collection from a little while, but I get them back. The next six months will no doubt be a challenge but I need to remember how blessed I am to have the opportunity that lies ahead.

Today we remember

                Four years ago on our way home from the Milwaukee zoo, we received the call that my mother in law was nearing the end of her life. She had been battling cancer for almost a year and the week before things took a turn for the worst. She was placed on hospice and given a month to live. We knew the moment was coming but didn’t expect it that day. It was the day before mother’s day and we had taken my mom with us to the Milwaukee Zoo so she could spend the day with her family.  We had considered postponing the trip but my sister in law told us to go as her mom would have wanted my mom to have a nice mother’s day.  We were less than a mile from home when the phone rang and my husband started speeding down the road to make it in time. We hit a stop light that was red and I remember my dad telling John to just go as there were no cars coming through at the moment. When we got to my mother in laws house, we hopped out of the car and told my parents to take the kids home. My heart ached for my husband and his sister as they had to say goodbye to their mom. It didn’t seem fair as they had lost their dad 11 years earlier. My mother in law was a very special woman and probably taught us all a few things along the way.

                She always took chances on people and was kind to everyone she met. She accepted me as an important part of her son’s life even though it probably wasn’t easy for her. When I first met her I was a 19 year old college student with an eyebrow ring and John was 27.  She trusted John’s judgment and could tell how much he loved me by the way he always looked at me. She was always nice to those she met. I remember being at a brewer game for my husband’s birthday and we brought cupcakes for desert. Since we had extras we were not going to be able to eat she walked around to those tailgating around us to share the cupcakes. She was always willing to forgive people and give them another chance.

                I am so fortunate for my parents and family. Family is so important and is not just defined by those you are related to. There are a lot of people I consider family that aren’t related to me. When John and I got married and our families truly joined and have been a part of each other’s lives ever since. The same thing happened why John’s sister got married. It was not uncommon for our families to be together for holidays. My mom even spent an evening taking care of my mother in law while she was in hospice so we could have a break. My brother in law’s family have included us and made us feel as if we are an adopted part of their family at times. I will be forever grateful to them for making us feel welcome. My parents have been welcoming and include my sister in law, brother in law and their daughters at events as well. Their daughters even call my mom grandma Judy. We are truly blessed that our children can be part of such a wonderful family and that families can come together like this.

                Tonight I will probably hug my kids and husband a little tighter, thankful for the blessings in my life. I try to remember that you never know what your future holds so live life and don’t be afraid to take a risk. Don’t be afraid to say “I Love You”,  a lot. Never underestimate your ability to impact the lives of others so choose your words and actions carefully.