Courage

Let me just say writing this post makes me uncomfortable because it makes me vulnerable. Sharing how I truly feel is something most people don't see because I am the type that tries to smile when I am falling apart. I have had to do it for much of my life because others needed me to be strong.  It didn't feel fair to have a moment to be sad knowing there is always someone out there dealing with something worse. Being vulnerable right now seems like the only thing I can do since the tears have been rolling down my face for the last 12 hours. My husband has been here to hold my hand and I know he is ready to fix it but I just can't bring myself to speak.

For many years I struggled with accepting myself as I was. I was always more concerned about being the person others wanted. Let me tell you that is exhausting. Finally, my husband came into my life and made me see all the things I couldn't see. I became comfortable being the person I was and it felt great.  I realized that if people didn't want to be my friend for superficial reasons they probably didn't share my values and it truly was their loss. I will be forever grateful to my husband for that. Recently I have been struggling with some things I haven't for in years and I realize that it is because I worry about trying to be something I'm not. I have lost some of that confidence.

What really has me shaken is something that happened over the weekend.  Yesterday I stood up for myself and others. I normally don't with this person and just let the comments slide because it is just easier. Finally I had enough and decided to speak my mind. Well now I am filled with regret and my heart is heavy. I know it needed to be done but unfortunately the kids and I have so much to lose as a result. This should be a victory because I finally summoned up the courage to stand up for myself but instead I feel alone and hurt. I feel hurt because I wonder when someone is going to stand up for me instead of letting "mean" win.

For now all I can do is protect myself and my family from further hurt, pray and hug my hubby and kids tight. I need to trust that in the end good wins.

Live. Love. Hope.

The last few weeks have really had me doubting my faith in humanity. First the mass shooting in a Colorado movie theater then a shooting in a house of worship. People go to church to find peace, pray, and feel safe. I wondered how people could continue to feel safe carrying on with their every day life. Then a week and a half ago I saw the YouTube video that inspired many.

A man from my hometown received the news that his cancer was back and there was nothing more that could be done. He posted his final goodbye in a heart breaking video. What happened after that was simply amazing. A friend started a Facebook group and had thousands of members within 24 hours, a tribute video was made by an exceptional woman, celebrities shared Eric's story on Twitter and people all over the would showed their love and support for Eric. People were showing their support by coloring the city orange. Stores in many cities ran out of orange balloons as people tried to show their support. I have never met Eric but I feel inspired by him. His attitude and outlook on life has shown me that some things are worth fighting for and that hope can be found in spite of tragedy. Seeing a community come together like they did for Eric is nothing short of amazing. Through this tragedy my faith in humanity has been restored.

As you live your life take risks, love with all your heart, say "I love you' often, and don't wait for tomorrow to follow your dreams. Take the time to tell those people in your life you love them. Remember that the little nuicances in life are just that. Thank you Eric for helping the world slow down for a little bit and may your family find peace.