Courage

Let me just say writing this post makes me uncomfortable because it makes me vulnerable. Sharing how I truly feel is something most people don't see because I am the type that tries to smile when I am falling apart. I have had to do it for much of my life because others needed me to be strong.  It didn't feel fair to have a moment to be sad knowing there is always someone out there dealing with something worse. Being vulnerable right now seems like the only thing I can do since the tears have been rolling down my face for the last 12 hours. My husband has been here to hold my hand and I know he is ready to fix it but I just can't bring myself to speak.

For many years I struggled with accepting myself as I was. I was always more concerned about being the person others wanted. Let me tell you that is exhausting. Finally, my husband came into my life and made me see all the things I couldn't see. I became comfortable being the person I was and it felt great.  I realized that if people didn't want to be my friend for superficial reasons they probably didn't share my values and it truly was their loss. I will be forever grateful to my husband for that. Recently I have been struggling with some things I haven't for in years and I realize that it is because I worry about trying to be something I'm not. I have lost some of that confidence.

What really has me shaken is something that happened over the weekend.  Yesterday I stood up for myself and others. I normally don't with this person and just let the comments slide because it is just easier. Finally I had enough and decided to speak my mind. Well now I am filled with regret and my heart is heavy. I know it needed to be done but unfortunately the kids and I have so much to lose as a result. This should be a victory because I finally summoned up the courage to stand up for myself but instead I feel alone and hurt. I feel hurt because I wonder when someone is going to stand up for me instead of letting "mean" win.

For now all I can do is protect myself and my family from further hurt, pray and hug my hubby and kids tight. I need to trust that in the end good wins.