Where's my cape?

It's been awhile since I have posted something that wasn't a race recap but today was just one of those days I needed to get to get things off my heart.  For the past few weeks I have been feeling very overwhelmed and tonight it came to a head as I was washing dishes after dinner. I literally broke down while scrubbing the crock pot from tonight's dinner. I don't know why that moment got to me but I know for certain it wasn't the dishes that made me sad. I am pretty certain it was due to the fact that the kids were in the living room and I was alone for those 15 minutes.  I try to keep that stressed and sad side of me hidden from them.  While I don't want to hide the fact that I am human and moms sometimes have hard days too, I just don't want them to worry about certain things.  There have been lots of changes over the past few weeks and I have been struggling with managing it all.  Sometimes I just need to let it out so you can move on.

A month ago, we met with our realtor and officially put our land up for sale. This was a bittersweet day. We had been planning on building our dream house for years and we recently had to make the call that this dream was not meant to be. This was one of those decisions that challenged our relationship. It took some perspective to realize that this was just a piece of land for a structure to be placed on and home could be wherever we were together as a family.

During the week, I am going non-stop from 5am until about 8pm. While I love being a mom, it is exhausting sometimes.  I am getting burned out from commuting 45 miles each way to work and wonder how I am going to mange all the responsibilities once the kids are back in school. The kids have after school commitments and I want to be there to support them. When I can't, it makes me feel like a failure to my kids.  All I want is to be closer to work but that isn't an option. Hearing it is only a few more years is hard because it feels like an eternity. Winter in Wisconsin feels like it lasts for 9 months of the year. I am trying to be positive but the closer we get to September the more anxious I get. I am hoping for some sort of miracle but I don't think it is likely. Then I wonder what in the world are we going to do when this house finally sells.

I have been frustrated with certain relationships lately. Sometimes it feels like certain relationships are one sided.  While relationships aren't about keeping score, it is hard when you are the one putting in all the effort. It is frustrating when people you thought were friends seems to disappear without an explanation. All I can do is wonder what I could have done differently. I am fortunate for new relationships I am forming with some people that are as passionate about running as I am.

Keeping our marriage strong these days requires a bit of work as our schedules often overlap so our time together is more about quality than quantity. We get an hour for a date once every three weeks and then it is usually an hour at Starbucks. It is hard to stay connected sometimes.  Most of the communication we have these days is regarding what needs to be done in the house and things I need to know about the kids.  Communication is generally through email and texting. Then there is the paralyzing fear that sets in on nights that my husband isn't home within 30 minutes of his shift ending.

As I write this I begin to find myself feeling guilty because there are so many others going through much worse. Even so, we all have bad days and it's ok to recognize the human side and work through the feelings. So tonight, after the kitchen was cleaned the kids and I got into the car, headed to Starbucks and played scrabble while the rain fell outside. While I didn't solve any of my problems during that time, I did forget about them for a bit and just enjoyed the time with my kids.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will just take things one day at a time.  For now, have a good night friends.