Never stop dating

When you have been with someone for a long period of time, it is so easy to take things for granted.  It’s easy to be complacent with where you are in your relationship.  The day to day takes over and one day you realize that you haven’t communicated with your spouse other than through email, texting and notes on the table because you feel like you are going 100 miles an hour and can’t find the brake.    You wouldn’t plant flowers in your garden in spring and water them sporadically expecting them to grow would you? Put the time and effort into your relationship and big things will happen.  I have some ideas so you can continue to date your spouse/significant other.  I’m not talking about just going out to dinner but doing things to stay connected, continue to fall in love, and respect each other.  

Unplug

I’ve heard studies talk about how unplugging before bed can help with sleep and productivity.  Why not take the last hour or two before bed once the kids are sleeping to unplug and connect with one another?  When’s the last time you talked to your spouse?  I mean really talked to them.  No phones. No distractions.  No talking about kids.  This can help put the focus on your relationship but also have a positive impact in other aspects of your life.  

Leave love notes

When my husband and I started dating almost 17 years ago, I was in college and he was living in Two Rivers and worked second shift full time.  We generally only saw each other on weekends for a bit before he went to work.  We would talk on the phone but my favorite time was checking email at about 10:30pm.  He was generally home from work at that time and I could usually count on an email from him.  Some of that slipped off through the years but from time to time leave a note in their car telling you how much you love them, ask them out on a date, or tell them how much you appreciate them.  I don’t always remember to do this as often as I should but it sure makes my husband feel appreciated when he finds one of my little notes.  

Go on dates

Take time to do something with your spouse.  You may think, “we don’t have money for that” or “we don’t have anyone to watch the kids”.  These dates don’t have to be grand or elaborate.  We have had a date at the beach and packed some fruit, wine, and cheese and just sat on blankets watching the sunset.  It was time for just us.  If you have younger kids and don’t have someone to watch the kids, have a picnic in the living room when the kids go to bed.  Set up some candles, play some music, and talk to one another.  Rent a movie the two of you are interested in.  Sit outside on the patio or deck, look at the stars and hold hands.  When my husband worked second shift and his weekends off came around every three months we had to get creative.   Yes, we sometimes have more elaborate dates where we may spend a weekend away with each other but usually it's something simple like coffee. 

Do the unexpected

It is always nice to do something your spouse or significant other isn’t expecting.  I know my husband likes cookies. From time to time when I am at the store, I will pick up his favorite cookie for a little treat.  I may even run through Starbucks while running errands to have an iced tea waiting for him when he comes home on his lunch break.  I might even be as simple as making lunch for him on a Saturday afternoon so he can eat a warm meal instead of a sandwich.  

None of these ideas have to take a ton of time or effort.  It’s about making the other person feel special, wanted and appreciated.  Little gestures can have a big impact.  I challenge you to do something for your spouse this week and spend one hour getting to know one another all over again.  

Is love always enough?

I feel very Carrie Bradshaw right now as I write this.  I told my husband, I was going to write a post that would probably cause people to jump to conclusions but I needed to do this.  I told him I was not going spill all our secrets because that is for us to know.  Rarely do I share our problems with my friends.  It’s a trust thing.  I trust very few people.    What happens when that one issue comes up that causes you to doubt the power of love to get you through? This friends, is where my story begins. 

A few weeks ago, as we prepared to leave sunny Florida, we got an email that he knew was going to cause tension.  It came at an inopportune time.  We were leaving Florida to head back to Wisconsin where it was probably a million degrees below zero and snow was on the ground.  Winter is a touchy subject with me, so this was like pouring salt into an open wound for me.  There is this issue in which we are on opposite sides in some respects.  We both want the same end result, but getting there means one of us has to sacrifice for the other to “win”.  I hate to use the word “win”, but in this situation there is a definite “loser”.  We have sliced and diced this situation in a thousand different ways to one person doesn’t have to give up something major and there is compromise.  In this situation, it is all or nothing.  

I remember walking away from the gate area that day with my oldest to get her lunch for the flight.  I wanted to yell "fight for me, fight for us" and "it's my time". I knew I needed a time out because those words were going to do absolutely nothing. I stopped in the bathroom and put my head in my hands while standing in that stall.  I could feel the tears.  I took a few deep breaths and composed myself.  I put a smile on face as I washed my hands and we headed to get food.  I knew that this was going to be a long flight because I felt so defeated at that moment.  The kids decided they wanted to sit next to each other on the flight so as we filed in, John and next to each other in the row behind the kids.  I wasn’t mad at him, I was frustrated with the situation. 

In my heart I knew that love was not going to solve this problem and wondered if we could get through this.  What does it say about us if we couldn’t resolve something that might seem small to some people?  Would one person sacrifice for the other and then face feelings of resentment for years?  That doesn’t feel like a way to live either.  John could tell by my face and quiet demeanor that I was hurt and disappointed.  Ok, there may have been some comments about people being asshats (not sure why I chose that expression ) initially but then my demeanor turned quiet.  During the flight, he was watching a movie on his ipod and I was reading a book and then something happened.  He raised the arm rest between the two of us and grabbed my hand.  It was in that moment that I realized while love wasn’t going to solve this problem; it was a pretty good place to start.  He said nothing but that simple action told me he loved me and that we were going to get through this. 

Let me be very clear here:   I believe in love.  The kind of love that makes your heart skip a beat when you see your significant other on duty as you drop the kids off at school.  The kind of love that even though you are mad, you still put a hand on his chest during the middle of the night to feel him breathe and feel that everything is going to be ok.  I am the girl listening to Thinking out loud on repeat on my drive to work some days. The line "kiss me under a thousand stars" gets to me. Every. Single. Time. I am in love with my husband.  The reality is that marriage is hard and love can be complicated.  It doesn’t grow on auto pilot and both parties need to put time and effort into the relationship.  We learned this lesson after kids came around.  I also know that regardless of how in love you are, couples will not always agree on everything. 

For now, we are going to solve this problem one piece at a time.  We are going to listen to each other.  I mean really listen to one another.  That means no getting defensive or telling the other their perspective is wrong.  We may never see eye to eye on this but we are going to tackle this together.  That little act of understanding has showed me that taking the first step is often the hardest.  So, the next time you feel stuck, try a loving gesture and see how far it really can take you. 

 

Embracing the struggle

I didn't think I had the courage to share this. Once in awhile there are moments that smack you in the face.  Mine was the other evening when my daughter said something and her words were about as subtle as a shovel over the head.  They stung.  The thing with teenage girls is they know the right words to say to knock a mom down emotionally.  She knows the one subject to bring up that will bring me to my knees.  Every.  Single. Time.  I left the dinner table and collapsed on my bed in tears.  It was in that moment that I knew I needed to be upfront with myself about the magnitude of my problem and own up to it with my husband. I struggle with panic attacks. 

He came in the room to check on me.  I didn't handle things in the best manner but it was all I knew how to do. He reminded me of a few things and the tears started flowing harder.  I was afraid to come clean about my struggle.  I knew my hubby would want to fix things and sadly there isn't much he can do for me.  I was worried being honest would start a war at a time I felt fragile and vulnerable. I was emotionally drained and didn't even bother eating dinner after I was able to pull myself together.  I knew that this is becoming a major problem because it is impacting my nutrition and eating habits.  My eating is something I have worked years to come to terms with and get under control.  I didn't need something like this derailing all the work I had done.  I woke up New Year's Day feeling awful and emotionally drained.  I felt like I had downed an entire bottle of vodka partying it up until 4am.  In reality, I had a glass of champagne and a bowl of popcorn before falling asleep by 10:15pm. 

Winter is the source of my anxiety. I commute about 2 hours each day for my job.  I love what I have do and have spent much of the past 10 years working on growing and developing my skills to move myself to my current position.  Due to my hubby's job we are required to live in a certain area.  During the winter, I have to commute those 45 miles in snowy and sometimes icy conditions.  Each year, as winter approaches, the anxiety and stress gets worse.  A few weeks ago, we had rain and by morning, it had turned to freezing rain. I knew I needed to get into work, so I left my house by 5:45 am.  By the time I had gotten a mile from my house, I knew I couldn't continue on.  My back was tensing up, the tears were getting bigger, I was starting to hyperventilate and my body was shaking.  By some miracle, I made it back home and pulled the car into the garage.  I managed to turn the car off and take the key out of the ignition.  I couldn't get my hands to let go of the keys and open the door. I sobbed in the car for a good 15 minutes as the radio and heat eventually turned itself off.  I made my way into the house and sat on the couch in the dark.  I made my way into work a little late but I was finally able to make the trip in.  These attacks are something I never expected but I realize everytime I get into the car on a snowy day, I have so much to lose.  Now, I am not a fan of the commute on good days, but it is much easier when the roads are clear.

The commute takes a lot of time away from my family.  I miss out on things because of the commute.  I hate this more than anything and it breaks my heart most days.  I think that as the years go on I realize that the kids are getting older and I don't want to miss out on their lives.  This is why we travel so much.  I want to have quality time with them.  I want them to remember the times we had together. They will never remember the brand of jeans or shoes they wore but they will remember the things we did as a family.

I know this is hard for my husband because he wants to fix this more than anything but is stuck.  I know I am stuck as well.   I am not willing to split the distance because that means that neither one of us works where the kids go to school and if there is an emergency I can't get to them quick enough.  What I can do, is work on my health and wellness coaching to continue to travel with the kids.  My goal for 2015 is to work hard enough to take my family to Hawaii this summer.  The beach, relaxation, and quality time brings us closer together as a family.  As a bigger goal, I am going to start saving money towards a down payment on a home in a warmer climate so I can make a significant dent on the cost of a vacation home.   While I can't get rid of the commute right now, I can take steps to design the kind of life I want. 

So, when I complain about the snow, please have compassion and understand my struggle.  I am trying to come to terms with this and hope that by being open I can help others and myself in the process.  Panic is real and has a profound physical impact to myself and my family.  I am going to find ways to cope with this by working on developing myself and being open to discussions about this with my hubby.  I hate being vulnerable and it is rare for someone to break through so sharing this with my husband was panic inducing in itself.  If you are struggling with something similar, please speak up.  If someone shares something like this with you, please be a good listener, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend.  Sometimes that is all we need. 

Embracing imperfection

I am convinced that perfect holidays are complete bullshit perpetuated by Pinterest. I love the holiday season. Every year I get big ideas of doing grand and wonderful things as a family and every year I am disappointed. The fact of the situation is that I have these expectations of a perfect holiday and I put too much pressure on my family to live up to this. After an unsuccessful attempt at holiday fun two weeks ago, I decided to embrace holiday imperfection.

Two weeks ago, we decided to go see the holiday train as it came through Milwaukee. We took the kids out to dinner, stopped for coffee and headed to the train station. Before we even arrived at the train station my son announced he had to pee. Well we were nowhere near a bathroom so he was told he was going to have to hold it for a bit longer.  As we approached the train station, it was clear parking was going to be a challenge.  My hubby dropped us off a few blocks away from the station as he thought we could navigate a little quicker by foot.  We walked to the train station and the closer we got the more I realized there was no way we were getting in there to use the bathroom. I texted my hubby to let him know I was walking down to a hotel a few blocks down to get him to a bathroom. On the way there, my daughter tripped and fell. She was in tears, while my son was whining he "had to pee right now."  We made our way inside only to find the ground level restrooms locked. We made our way to the main lobby and finally found bathrooms. The lobby looked like a ghost town and I caught a disapproving look from an employee cleaning.  At that point, I didn't care as I needed to get this kid to a bathroom now.  We met back up with my husband at the train station and realized that it was going to be hard to see anything.  We were packed tightly in with a large crowd.  I am thankful the weather was mild that night.  It became apparent the train was running late and I did some searching and it was 45 minutes late.  We decided to scrap the plan and head home because the kids were whining and it was a less than exciting experience.  I was so frustrated with the situation and on the way home I said I was done with Christmas even though I had big plans for two weeks later.

Fast forward to the weekend before Christmas.  We decided to do a 5k run with the running store I shop at.  The kids surprisingly got out of bed without much complaining and made our way to the running store.  Within the first half mile, the girls were already fading.  My hubby stayed back with them and Sean and I continued with the rest of the group.  Sean and I had a nice time running together and John and the girls followed behind shortly after.  From there we went to the Mitchell Park Domes.  It was beyond busy that morning and we seemed to be done quicker than I expected.  We headed for lunch and later for some shopping.  We had enough points for a free hotel stay so once we were done shopping, we headed to the hotel to get checked in and settled.  We let the kids chill for a bit before we headed out for Holiday Lites at the Miller Brewing Company.  The kids were grumpy and when we go there they were upset this was outside.  I was starting to become frustrated but realized that it had been a busy day and I needed to cut them some slack.  By the time we actually saw the lights there were in much better moods. I had two beer samples while the rest of the family had soda.  That concluded our day of holiday fun.  It may not be perfect for fun but it was perfect for me.  It was just the five of us and we had fun. 

Lunchtime fun

Lunchtime fun.  I was even brave enough to go without makeup here.  I'm still here to talk about it too. 

I have no idea why she is making this face but it sums up our family and our less than perfect life.

When it comes to actual Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I could do without.  By the time I get to that point, I am just ready for it to be over.  There are reminders of sadness on those days.  When I was 14, my grandpa died on Christmas Eve.  It's traumatic to be dozing off in a hospital waiting room and being awakened by the sounds of your grandma sobbing after losing the love of her life.  It has been over 20 years since that day but it's one of those situations, you just don't forget.  My husband has already lost both of his parents and it is heartbreaking to see your hubby visiting his parents on Christmas at the cemetery.  There is nothing I can do to ease this pain for him this time of year except to hold his hand when he reaches out.  This year was no different as I saw him and my son just standing there having their moment at the cemetery.  The girls weren't strong enough to get out of the car so I sat and held their hands while they cried. 

Aside from the moments of sadness yesterday, we had one of the best Christmases in a long time.  We woke up to the sound of the kids discovering the presents under the tree. Sean woke Mackenzie up in his typical fashion.  Mackenzie grumbled about how tired she was but got up anyway.   There were no fancy electronics under the tree this year and frankly we kept gift giving pretty low key this year.  The kids were grateful for what was given to them this year and I think they are realizing that the things that can be bought in a store are not the things that mean the most.  The things that matter most are the experiences we have together as a family.  My oldest cried when she received her "big" present this year.  It was a ticket to see Idina Menzel in Chicago.  She is already talking about how we are going to spend a summer day in Chicago, stay in a hotel and see the concert together as a family.  We later went to see my parents and sister and when we were done there, came back home to hang out.  The kids and John played legos while I took advantage of the nice weather and went running.  We had dinner together as a family and watched Elf.  It was truly a lovely Christmas. 

As I reflect on this Christmas season, I realize that spending time together and counting our blessings is far more important than the other stuff we think we have to get done for the holiday.  I don't need to make fancy cookies to share with guests.  It's ok to not send Christmas cards if I don't want to.  It's ok to do all my Christmas shopping online and buy gift cards for people if that's what they really want.  From now on, when Christmas overwhelms me I am going to remember the religious reason we celebrate and take a moment to be thankful for my little family.  I am vowing to not get wrapped up in meaningless holiday stuff if it doesn't help me grow as a person or help others.  If we are a bit imperfect, I can accept this.  I would rather be imperfect and real than being a family that is something we are not.  So, for all of you families out there feeling overwhelmed that your house doesn't look like the pictures posted on Pinterest, let it go.  Embrace imperfection and stay true to yourself.  Hope you all had a fabulous holiday. 

Comparison

Comparison. Just don't.

The last few weeks I have been seeing others successes and equating it to a failure on my part.  Whether it was regarding business, family, running, my pants size and whatever else seemed to cross my path.  Much of this was because of things I was seeing on social media.  The thing is that what I see on social media are all the highlights, not the struggles. 

I spent much of the past two weeks reflecting on my reactions to things and wondering why I felt the need to measure my worth based on what others were capable of. My reaction to those situations was mine and mine alone.  Start celebrating your successes and realize there is always opportunity in the failures.  

If your dream is to start a business. Find a way. Don't worry about what others are going to think.  Sucess or failure is based on the effort put in.  We all make choices. Are your choices getting you closer to your goal? 

For now I'm going to work on the things that make me happy. First, I'm going to continue to pour my heart and soul into running. I may never be a 6 minute mile and that's ok. I'm going to celebrate the days where I'm making progress. I will be giddy when I run 10 minute miles rather than apologizing for being slower than someone else. That 10 minute mile is progress for me and I need to celebrate those victories no matter how little. There is always going to be someone faster than me.  Second, I'm going to work on my family. Life is a bit of a challenge these days with juggling opposite schedules, the kids being in school, and sports.  We may make choices not everyone is a fan of but that's ok if we are doing what is best for us. Lastly, I'm going to work on the things that are opportunities for me. There are always things we can get better at and I'm going to take the time to work on those things. 

So, my point is, figure out what makes you happy and go for it. It may be tough.  You may not know where to start but there generally is a way to chase your dreams. You may not think now is not perfect time but guess what it never will be. You need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. For now, I'm not going to worry as much about posts on social media and make my decisions based on what makes my heart happy! 

Baby steps .....

I have been working on gathering the courage to publish this blog for weeks now.  I don't like attention on my but I know there are people who may benefit from my story.  It seems like we are so programmed to expect everything to happen right away. The funny thing is that life doesn't work that way. After I had kids I struggled with my weight. I would go on diets, get frustrated when the results were not quick enough and go back to my old habits. That isn't the answer to lasting success though. About 14 months ago I embarked on a journey that has changed me in ways I could have never expected. My success has stemmed from baby steps, patience, and being ok with taking a few steps back before moving forward again. 

On May 5th, 2013  I woke up and decided I wanted to run a marathon. This is comical because I have never run more than a few blocks at a time.  I found some clothes that would serve as workout clothes and laced up my shoes. My youngest daughter came along with me and we took a walk. We walked about 2.5 miles that day and it took me almost an hour. I was sore for days. The old me would have decided that was enough and given up. But this time I didn't.  I kept pushing and trying. Eventually I was able to cover that same distance in 30 minutes. I set small goals for myself and worked myself towards my first half marathon in November. Since then I have 4 half marathons under my belt and am registered for two full marathons. I will be participating in Chicago in October and the Walt Disney Marathon in January. I am so completely nervous about covering 26.2 miles but a year ago 13.1 seemed completely overwhelming. 

A little more than 6 months ago I started added strength training to my routine. I faithfully got myself out of bed at 4:45 every morning to either get my run in or take a class at my local gym.  I didn't enjoy getting up early and missing out on sleep but I also didn't want to take time away from my family to get the workout done after work.

I started to eat healthier but didn't cut out everything I liked. I just started practicing moderation. Eventually I started cutting out some of the junk. Now, our entire family is on a path to clean eating and getting healthy.  My kids are not completely on board with this but I think over time they will realize they are not being deprived of anything and will enjoy the benefits of less processed food. In 6 months I had dropped several sizes and almost 50 pounds.

Recently I also started adding p90x3 to my routine. It has been tough but I continue to push myself past my comfort zone and do the workouts faithfully. I am feeling so great lately and only wish I had done this sooner. My running has improved in a few weeks of this workout and ran the 5k distance 6 minutes faster than what I could run it a year ago at this time.

The bottom line here is that success isn't given, it is earned. Figure out what you want to accomplish, write down your goals and take small steps working towards them.  Don't give up when you have setbacks because inevitably you will encounter road blocks. How you deal with road blocks will determine your success. Keep dreaming big, pushing yourself and realize that the sky is the limit.

This photo is me about a year ago (left) and a few weeks ago (right). 

These are photos from my four half marathons. 

Where's my cape?

It's been awhile since I have posted something that wasn't a race recap but today was just one of those days I needed to get to get things off my heart.  For the past few weeks I have been feeling very overwhelmed and tonight it came to a head as I was washing dishes after dinner. I literally broke down while scrubbing the crock pot from tonight's dinner. I don't know why that moment got to me but I know for certain it wasn't the dishes that made me sad. I am pretty certain it was due to the fact that the kids were in the living room and I was alone for those 15 minutes.  I try to keep that stressed and sad side of me hidden from them.  While I don't want to hide the fact that I am human and moms sometimes have hard days too, I just don't want them to worry about certain things.  There have been lots of changes over the past few weeks and I have been struggling with managing it all.  Sometimes I just need to let it out so you can move on.

A month ago, we met with our realtor and officially put our land up for sale. This was a bittersweet day. We had been planning on building our dream house for years and we recently had to make the call that this dream was not meant to be. This was one of those decisions that challenged our relationship. It took some perspective to realize that this was just a piece of land for a structure to be placed on and home could be wherever we were together as a family.

During the week, I am going non-stop from 5am until about 8pm. While I love being a mom, it is exhausting sometimes.  I am getting burned out from commuting 45 miles each way to work and wonder how I am going to mange all the responsibilities once the kids are back in school. The kids have after school commitments and I want to be there to support them. When I can't, it makes me feel like a failure to my kids.  All I want is to be closer to work but that isn't an option. Hearing it is only a few more years is hard because it feels like an eternity. Winter in Wisconsin feels like it lasts for 9 months of the year. I am trying to be positive but the closer we get to September the more anxious I get. I am hoping for some sort of miracle but I don't think it is likely. Then I wonder what in the world are we going to do when this house finally sells.

I have been frustrated with certain relationships lately. Sometimes it feels like certain relationships are one sided.  While relationships aren't about keeping score, it is hard when you are the one putting in all the effort. It is frustrating when people you thought were friends seems to disappear without an explanation. All I can do is wonder what I could have done differently. I am fortunate for new relationships I am forming with some people that are as passionate about running as I am.

Keeping our marriage strong these days requires a bit of work as our schedules often overlap so our time together is more about quality than quantity. We get an hour for a date once every three weeks and then it is usually an hour at Starbucks. It is hard to stay connected sometimes.  Most of the communication we have these days is regarding what needs to be done in the house and things I need to know about the kids.  Communication is generally through email and texting. Then there is the paralyzing fear that sets in on nights that my husband isn't home within 30 minutes of his shift ending.

As I write this I begin to find myself feeling guilty because there are so many others going through much worse. Even so, we all have bad days and it's ok to recognize the human side and work through the feelings. So tonight, after the kitchen was cleaned the kids and I got into the car, headed to Starbucks and played scrabble while the rain fell outside. While I didn't solve any of my problems during that time, I did forget about them for a bit and just enjoyed the time with my kids.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will just take things one day at a time.  For now, have a good night friends.

Unexpected

Lately I have been reflecting a lot on 2013. It's inevitable when you spend 10 hours a week commuting. This is the time where I analyze, obsess, and think about life's events. 2013 has really been an unexpected year in so many ways. As a family we went through highs, lows and everything in between.  It's been a tough year. 2013 has also been a year or learning and growth too. 

In the early part of the year we prepared for a move to another state for a two year period of time for my job. While a move to another state might not be so terrible we were going to be splitting up the family to make this happen. The kids and I would be moving 800 miles while my husband stayed here for his job. The kids would be with me during the school year because I couldn't be without them. They would then come back to Wisconsin for the summer to spend with their dad. We knew there were going to be challenges with maintaining a marriage and family from 800 miles away but we knew there was much to be gained from this. During this process people speculated John and I were getting divorced and this decision was all some people could talk about. This couldn't have been further from the truth and it hurt me that people would spread these rumors. During the 8 months this was being planned I was a wreck. I knew in my heart this was right but also wondered if we could make it through. In the end the move didn't happen and I fell apart. My husband was an amazing support through this. He held my hand when I cried and helped me move on.

I discovered running this year. I went from barely exercising and not being able to run a block to finishing a half marathon in November.  In all this I discovered a me I didn't know existed. I became less concerned with the little stuff and just started living. I became a more confident me. I am setting a good example for my kids and husband. In many ways running saved me from this crazy year. I am planning at least three more half marathons for 2014 and I hope to run the Chicago marathon in the fall. 

This is me right before the finish line of the half marathon and there was so much emotion at this very moment. It brings tears to my eyes as I look at this and relive this moment.

This is John, Kenzie and I on Thanksgiving after running with myTeam triumph. It was a great experience and even better was that the three of us did it together. 

I realized who my true friends were this year. There are those friends who knew when I needed something before I could even say anything. I am grateful for the friends who celebrated my victories as if they were their own. I am so grateful for these special ladies that have been part of my life for many years and even though we may not see each other as often as we like we always pick up like we never missed a beat. Sadly during this there were people I thought were friends that rarely checked in. I learned that sometimes people will take advantage of you and will assume you will always be there for them but suddenly go missing when you need them. 

My husband and I said goodbye to a big dream of ours. This challenged our marriage to the core. We were forced to be honest with each other.  We realized that a higher power has a plan for us and it wasn't what we had thought. While we still don't have the answers we need we do realize that letting go was exactly what we needed. Letting go helped us to realize what could be.

My hubby and I in Chicago at the Christmas parade.

I was able to give back to my parents this year and it was one of the best experiences ever.  They sacrificed for years as we grew up to make sure we had what we needed. There was never any shortage of love and to this day they are still my biggest supporters. While I can never repay them for all they have done, I hope this summer was a start. 

2013 wasn't my favorite year but I learned so much about myself in the process. I learned the importance of being true to myself. I learned that love is a pretty amazing thing and in the end sometimes it's all we really need. I learned that family is an amazing thing and I am so thankful for the family we have made. Here's to a great 2014 for all my family and friends! 

98

My story starts five weeks ago  when I decided I was going to sign up to run a 10k in September. Yes, me, run a 10k. I have never been a runner so this meant that the next few months were going to require a lot of work on my part. I found a training plan and found that what I was attempting was going to be much harder than I expected. I found on days that I had to run for more than a minute at a time I was challenged beyond what I felt I was capable of. There were days I was ready to give up because I was tired, not seeing the progress that I was expecting, and felt like this was a lost cause. I have never been one to give up so I just kept going. I religiously got up early in the morning even though staying in bed seemed like a much better plan. I repeated some days of the training program until it became easier and felt like I could move on. I am not going to lie, there have been tears during the last few weeks. I found the struggle was more than just the physical challenge. The challenge was a mental challenge too.  Some days I felt defeated because I had gotten slower. I took several steps backwards before I started to move forward. 

Last week I felt like I hit a turning point. I found that my legs didn't hurt as much when I was running anymore and I was getting faster during the times I was running. I was feeling better about my progress. I was feeling so good that I decided I was going to walk in the Bellin Run yesterday. I enlisted my dad to tag along with me. We both had our doubts about how well we would do. My dad was hoping to get done in 1:50 and I was hoping for under 1:40. I will never forget the feeling of walking across the finish line yesterday. It was an amazing experience. Imagine my delight in getting an official time of 1:38. I realized that after yesterday you just have to try even when it seems to hard. It is ok to have bad days because the next day will be better. I am proud of how far I have come and am looking forward to seeing what else this girl can accomplish.


I came home to the sweetest card from my husband and kids telling me how proud they were of me. You better believe I will be saving these things as a reminder of how far I have come.

To my daughters .....

Lately, there has been a lot on my heart.  Some of you out there are aware because you have offered support, friendship and advice.  For that I thank you. This has helped more than you will ever know.  Others have decided that spreading rumors and sharing stories that weren't ready to be shared was acceptable. This has been hurtful. All of this has reminded me that some things don't change and the things that troubled me as a teenager still happen as an adult. Here is some advice for my daughters as you start to deal with these issues.

Life is hard. Like, really hard.

I don't say this to scare you, but it isn't always easy. People will pick on you and friendships will be tested. Those people that are truly your friends will be there when you need it most. People will define your worth by the house you live in, the clothes you wear, or even the part of town you live in. Your value in life is not based on any of that. It is your actions that define you as a person.

I spent much of my life listening to those who thought I was worth less because I didn't live on the right part of town. I tried to find ways to fit in with these people. In the end, it didn't matter because even if I could convince these people to be my friends they weren't going to be there for me when I really needed a friend.

Even though life is hard, that hard work will often lead to something amazing. I went through a lot of hard stuff and as a result I have a wonderful family. That is worth more than anything money can buy.

Follow your dreams
People will doubt your abilities and try to tell you that you can't do something. Don't listen. You two are the most headstrong girls I have ever met and I know that your dreams are going to take you big places. Yes, you will doubt your abilities and question whether you can go on, but challenge yourself. You may just surprise yourself.

Listen to your heart

Deep down you will always know the right thing to do. Listen to what you know is right and don't be afraid to follow your dreams because you are afraid to change. That voice may take you somewhere greater than you ever expected.

Love with all your heart

You two are already headed in the right direction with this one, but never be afraid to love others.  You will be in relationships that may not work but know you will grow from every relationship you have. Never be afraid to love because you are afraid to get hurt. The hurt helps us learn and find the love we truly deserve.

I am so glad I listend to my heart and fell for your dad. He is pretty amazing.


Help Others
 I see the two of you worry about others, and it melts my heart. Never be afraid to help someone in need. Smile at others. When you see someone alone, say hi. It may mean more than you will ever know. Stand up for what you believe in even though it may not be the cool thing to do. The world needs more girls like you. This point leads me to my next ....

Ask for help

Know your limitations and ask for help when you need it. No one is expecting you to be superwoman. Asking for help doesn't make you weak or a failure. There are times where your worries are too great  and you need someone to listen.  Please don't be afraid to ask for help. Your dad and I will always be here for you. Always.

I have learned the hard way on this one.

Travel

Go see new places and meet new people. Take time for yourself and relax. Take in the beauty this world has to offer. We have done what we can to take you new places and will continue to do so. Nothing is better than time spent together. Those are the things you will remember when you are older. Even though it scared you at the time, you still talk about the trips where we had to leave the hotel due to a fire alarm going on off in the middle of the night.

Make Mistakes

You will make mistakes sometimes. We all do. Don't beat yourself up about it. You will learn from these mistakes. Don't be afraid to admit when you have made a mistake. This shows a lot about your character. Others will respect you when you can admit you made a mistake and are willing to fix it and learn from it.

Big things are in store for our entire family over the next year. I know you are scared. I am too. We are in this together. I hope you know how much you are loved.

Don't worry I haven't forgotten your brother. I have advice for him too.

Love,

Mom

Courage

Let me just say writing this post makes me uncomfortable because it makes me vulnerable. Sharing how I truly feel is something most people don't see because I am the type that tries to smile when I am falling apart. I have had to do it for much of my life because others needed me to be strong.  It didn't feel fair to have a moment to be sad knowing there is always someone out there dealing with something worse. Being vulnerable right now seems like the only thing I can do since the tears have been rolling down my face for the last 12 hours. My husband has been here to hold my hand and I know he is ready to fix it but I just can't bring myself to speak.

For many years I struggled with accepting myself as I was. I was always more concerned about being the person others wanted. Let me tell you that is exhausting. Finally, my husband came into my life and made me see all the things I couldn't see. I became comfortable being the person I was and it felt great.  I realized that if people didn't want to be my friend for superficial reasons they probably didn't share my values and it truly was their loss. I will be forever grateful to my husband for that. Recently I have been struggling with some things I haven't for in years and I realize that it is because I worry about trying to be something I'm not. I have lost some of that confidence.

What really has me shaken is something that happened over the weekend.  Yesterday I stood up for myself and others. I normally don't with this person and just let the comments slide because it is just easier. Finally I had enough and decided to speak my mind. Well now I am filled with regret and my heart is heavy. I know it needed to be done but unfortunately the kids and I have so much to lose as a result. This should be a victory because I finally summoned up the courage to stand up for myself but instead I feel alone and hurt. I feel hurt because I wonder when someone is going to stand up for me instead of letting "mean" win.

For now all I can do is protect myself and my family from further hurt, pray and hug my hubby and kids tight. I need to trust that in the end good wins.

Live. Love. Hope.

The last few weeks have really had me doubting my faith in humanity. First the mass shooting in a Colorado movie theater then a shooting in a house of worship. People go to church to find peace, pray, and feel safe. I wondered how people could continue to feel safe carrying on with their every day life. Then a week and a half ago I saw the YouTube video that inspired many.

A man from my hometown received the news that his cancer was back and there was nothing more that could be done. He posted his final goodbye in a heart breaking video. What happened after that was simply amazing. A friend started a Facebook group and had thousands of members within 24 hours, a tribute video was made by an exceptional woman, celebrities shared Eric's story on Twitter and people all over the would showed their love and support for Eric. People were showing their support by coloring the city orange. Stores in many cities ran out of orange balloons as people tried to show their support. I have never met Eric but I feel inspired by him. His attitude and outlook on life has shown me that some things are worth fighting for and that hope can be found in spite of tragedy. Seeing a community come together like they did for Eric is nothing short of amazing. Through this tragedy my faith in humanity has been restored.

As you live your life take risks, love with all your heart, say "I love you' often, and don't wait for tomorrow to follow your dreams. Take the time to tell those people in your life you love them. Remember that the little nuicances in life are just that. Thank you Eric for helping the world slow down for a little bit and may your family find peace.

I don't wanna ....

Tonight, after about the millionth fight about this house, I have come to the painful realization our house is going to be put up for sale in the next two months. This shouldn't surprise me, we have had land to build our new house for years, have had plans drawn up for the new house and have even started to put things in storage for the new house. This should be happy and exciting but instead I am filled with worry, anxiety, and sadness. We need space and I won't deny that. Five people living in a 950 square foot house certainly poses a challenge.

We have lived in our house for almost 13 years. Probably about 10 years longer than we anticipated when we bought this house. I always said I couldn't wait to sell this house and have a new house, but now that the time is almost here, I don't feel like I can. I remember my husband telling me how the previous owner cried when they closed on the house. He said he couldn't imagine why, because after all it was just a house. I now understand why. This is the place we came home to the day after we were married. I told my husband we were going to be parents in the living room we are currently sitting in. This is the place we came home to, completely exhausted, after having all three of our children, Our kids took their first steps in this home. We have experienced both joy and sorrow in this house. We have had countless fights in this house and have also made up many times. There have been times when one or both of us felt like walking away but we have always come back.

As I wipe away my tears, I know what I need to do. I need to start packing up some of our stuff and get this house ready for the market. Some of the stuff will be placed in out storage unit and some of our stuff will be taken to my parents house (although I haven't told them that yet). Yes, mom that means you get to guard my purse and shoe collection from a little while, but I get them back. The next six months will no doubt be a challenge but I need to remember how blessed I am to have the opportunity that lies ahead.

Today we remember

                Four years ago on our way home from the Milwaukee zoo, we received the call that my mother in law was nearing the end of her life. She had been battling cancer for almost a year and the week before things took a turn for the worst. She was placed on hospice and given a month to live. We knew the moment was coming but didn’t expect it that day. It was the day before mother’s day and we had taken my mom with us to the Milwaukee Zoo so she could spend the day with her family.  We had considered postponing the trip but my sister in law told us to go as her mom would have wanted my mom to have a nice mother’s day.  We were less than a mile from home when the phone rang and my husband started speeding down the road to make it in time. We hit a stop light that was red and I remember my dad telling John to just go as there were no cars coming through at the moment. When we got to my mother in laws house, we hopped out of the car and told my parents to take the kids home. My heart ached for my husband and his sister as they had to say goodbye to their mom. It didn’t seem fair as they had lost their dad 11 years earlier. My mother in law was a very special woman and probably taught us all a few things along the way.

                She always took chances on people and was kind to everyone she met. She accepted me as an important part of her son’s life even though it probably wasn’t easy for her. When I first met her I was a 19 year old college student with an eyebrow ring and John was 27.  She trusted John’s judgment and could tell how much he loved me by the way he always looked at me. She was always nice to those she met. I remember being at a brewer game for my husband’s birthday and we brought cupcakes for desert. Since we had extras we were not going to be able to eat she walked around to those tailgating around us to share the cupcakes. She was always willing to forgive people and give them another chance.

                I am so fortunate for my parents and family. Family is so important and is not just defined by those you are related to. There are a lot of people I consider family that aren’t related to me. When John and I got married and our families truly joined and have been a part of each other’s lives ever since. The same thing happened why John’s sister got married. It was not uncommon for our families to be together for holidays. My mom even spent an evening taking care of my mother in law while she was in hospice so we could have a break. My brother in law’s family have included us and made us feel as if we are an adopted part of their family at times. I will be forever grateful to them for making us feel welcome. My parents have been welcoming and include my sister in law, brother in law and their daughters at events as well. Their daughters even call my mom grandma Judy. We are truly blessed that our children can be part of such a wonderful family and that families can come together like this.

                Tonight I will probably hug my kids and husband a little tighter, thankful for the blessings in my life. I try to remember that you never know what your future holds so live life and don’t be afraid to take a risk. Don’t be afraid to say “I Love You”,  a lot. Never underestimate your ability to impact the lives of others so choose your words and actions carefully.

               

Keep on swimming .....

                Being married and having kids is a lot of fun. There are times, however, when balancing marriage and family challenges the strongest marriages. Last week was one of those weeks for us. There were more tantrums from the kids than normal and there were three nights that either my husband or I was gone in the evening. We are also preparing to sell our house, start building a new house, and move (possibly twice) all within the next 8 months. Overwhelmed is a good way to describe how I was feeling.

There were situations with the kids last week that drove us to the edge. Let me just say that dealing with a pre-teen daughter is a daunting task. We had the great sisterly war of 2012 the other night. Mackenzie pushed her sister because she didn’t like the way she was coloring with sidewalk chalk in the driveway. That ended the outside playtime for her. She of course got mad and told us to never talk to her again. The bad part of this was that I found a note that said “I hate you” under my pillow that night. Yep, that one hurt. I am trying to be understanding because I was there once and at that age everything is some sort of tragedy. There is nothing a parent can say or do to make it better. After getting a taste of what is to come, I have a new appreciation for what my parents dealt with while my sister and I were growing up.  

Saturday night when we finally About 30 minutes after our son went to bed on Saturday night he threw temper tantrum for over an hour. We thought he had calmed down so we decided it was time to get some sleep and then he started up again. I spent about 30 minutes with him in the living room trying to get him to calm down so the rest of the house wasn’t awakened.

                Our marriage and taking time for us was the last thing on our mind this week. My husband and I are pretty good about making time to have a real conversation with each other at the end of each day. We also try to take time to go on a dates regularly. This helps to keep us connected. My mom has always been the biggest supporter of us having time for dates because she knows how important it is for a marriage. This week our conversations were more matter of fact and an exchange of information. It felt like we just existed in the same space and had no real connection. This is a horrible feeling and I wondered where we had taken a wrong turn. I then realized we were spending more time criticizing each other in regards to how we handled the kids this week instead of actually supporting each other. We both have areas we can improve on when it comes to handling the kids and can probably learn from each other.              

                By the time I finally went to bed on Saturday I felt defeated. My husband was already sleeping soundly so venting to him wasn’t an option. I needed something to snap me out of this funk or I would spend much of the night worrying and thinking.  I sat in the dark looking at pictures from our last family vacation to Florida on my ipad. You know what, it actually helped. I couldn’t help but smile while looking at those pictures and remembering all the fun we had on that trip.  I am also going to take some advice I have received from some of my friends (you know who you are) and just keep swimming. This feeling isn’t going to last forever and in the end learned something from this week. I also take comfort that Saturday is date day.

Surprise ….. they were listening!

      Being responsible for the well being and moral development of a child is hard work. My husband and I do our best to teach our kids about the right thing to do, helping others and how to act in public. We try our best to demonstrate this to them by holding doors for people at stores, thanking people who have held the door for us, allowing someone with only a few items at the grocery store to go ahead of us in line, donating food to food drives, etc. I think they are sick of hearing about this stuff but we believe these are important lessons to help them be successful in life.  Now that the kids are older and spending more time with their friends they want more freedom.  These teachable moments have become even more important because there are more times when we aren’t with them.  The request for more freedom often becomes a source of tension especially when one child is 10 and the other two are 8. There are things we may let our oldest do because she is more mature than her brother and sister. This often results in temper tantrums, lots of tears, and slammed doors. Our oldest gets upset because there are certain things she cannot do yet because she isn’t quite mature enough.

While the kids were on spring break my husband decided to allow the kids to ride their bikes to the gas station to pick up some butter as we needed it for the meal that was being prepared. The gas station is only about 6 blocks from our house and isn’t in a high traffic area so he figured this would be a good test for them. I was on my way home from work and he told me what they were doing and I immediately started to worry about all the horrible things that could happen to them. I suspect my reaction is the reason my husband made this decision when I wasn’t around. They did a great job and came home very proud of what they had just done. My son even told me that he stayed outside of the gas station with the bikes so his little sister wouldn’t have to wait outside and get scared. As I started to think back to my childhood, I recalled that by the time I was that age I was riding my bike from one side of town to the other to go to my grandma’s house.

After spending much of the weekend on the go with a trip to Green Bay on Saturday and a trip to Milwaukee on Sunday, the kids were a little stir crazy so we decided to let them go to the gas station last night before dinner. My husband gave our oldest money to buy butter since we were going to need it by the end of the week. She took the three dollars he had given her and carefully shoved it in her pants pocket and put a cell phone in her other pocket. The younger two went along with her so one of them could wait outside and watch the bikes. My son had received some money from Easter egg hunts a few weeks ago and he couldn’t wait to spend his riches. He shoved his money in his pocket intent on buying something while he was there. I was nervous the whole time they were gone and asked my husband a few times how long he thought they would be gone for. Within 15 minutes they were back and my son came in with a bag exclaiming he had bought me something funny at the gas station. I was a little worried because he is a boy and our ideas of funny don’t always line up. He proudly pulled out a dill pickle and told me he bought it for me because I like pickles. At that moment I was almost in tears and my heart was filled with joy. He had not only used some of his money to bring me a treat but took the time to pick out something special he knew I would like. It was probably one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received. He had even bought a bag of popcorn for his sisters to share.

Being able to have freedom and do something on your own is quite amazing feeling. I remember feeling like I was on top of the world as I started to do things on my own with my friends, moving away to college, and getting a car. I still find myself amazed that my husband and I are grown ups and are the ones in charge.  That’s a scary thought sometimes. Now that I am a parent, I realize that my parents were probably filled with worry the first time they let me walk the three blocks to school on my own, letting me ride my bike across town and sending me away to college. Even though they may have been anxious, worried and scared about the freedom I was being given they never let me see anything other than a smile. I know that even though deep down I am in full on panic mode I need to put a smile on my face so my kids can be confident as they try something new. They will probably not make the right decisions every time but those situations are what will help them learn and grow. There are days my husband and I feel defeated because the kids seem to do the opposite of what we ask. This is normal as kids are always going to know test their limits and boundaries as they get older and want more freedom. For now though, I am going to consider yesterday a victory!

Spontaneity

        Spontaneity is often forgotten about when one becomes a mom. It is hard to be spontaneous when you have three children and they need snacks, diapers, extra clothes, etc. before walking out the door. I was perfectly fine with that arrangement because I thrive when I have every detail planned out. I feel uneasy when there are details that haven’t been attended to. Now that my kids are older and more self sufficient there is no reason not to pick up and go. I have found out recently that being spontaneous can be a lot of fun and is far less stressful than obsessing over every detail. 

This past Saturday was a perfect example of how living in the moment can fill your heart with such joy. As I was eating breakfast and checking out what was happening on Facebook there was a post from my favorite photographer about a free photo shoot in the park later that morning. Without much thought I yelled to the kids to get ready as we were going to have pictures taken in the snow at the park.. I quickly texted my sister in law about the opportunity in case she wanted to get pictures of her girls. I knew I had to be strategic in getting everyone ready in less than two hours especially since my husband was still outside clearing seven inches of wet, heavy snow from the night before. Somehow in a matter of an hour and forty-five minutes everyone was photo ready. Yes, there was some chaos in getting everyone ready, finding gloves that matched (since my kids could only find the gloves without mates that morning), and finding the kids coats that weren’t filthy from many days of playing outside at recess. Now, anyone who truly knows me will tell you that this is out of character for me as I like to make sure that before pictures are taken all outfits are clean and ready to go, hair has been perfectly styled, and everyone is coordinated.

The fun started as soon as we arrived at the park. Visions of my nieces playing in the snow with their parents came into sight as we approached. The fun started as soon as we got out of our car.  Our kids quickly jumped into the snowball fight going on. My husband and his sister were throwing snowballs at each other and at one point I heard him tell her they haven’t done that since they were in junior high. On the surface it was just a snowball fight but in reality it was a really sweet moment between these two. They are not the type of hug each other or even say I love you. Those things are understood in the actions they take.  I even took part in the snowball fight even though snow is my nemesis. We got some pictures of the kids and were lucky to get a group shot of all of us together. We continued to play outside in the snow well after the photos were done being taken. After we returned from home my heart was filled with so much love and this was truly the highlight of the weekend. 

        I am blessed for those people and opportunities which give you a push to savor the little things in life rather than losing sight in the details. Details are important but spending too much time wrapped up in these causes me to lose sight of what is important. Sometimes I have these grand plans of things I want to do with the family and almost always something doesn’t go as planned and someone ends up disappointed. Going forward I am making a point to do things without a plan as those are the situations that the kids talk about and will probably remember the most.  I think this will help us enjoy the journey as much as the destination. We sure do laugh about the two times we had to evacuate a hotel in the middle of the night after the fire alarm went off.  

Living in the moment

Last Saturday my husband and I did something we hadn’t done in quite some time and that was go out on a date. With the chaos of my college graduation and the holidays behind us some quality time away from the kids to focus on us was much needed. It had been two months since we had a date and during that time our daily routines and preparation for the holidays had consumed us and we weren’t stopping to take a moment to appreciate what we had in each other. I realized it was time after I started snapping at him because our computer didn’t work. It wasn’t his fault it didn’t work but for some reason made him a target for my anger. At that moment I realized we needed to do something about this. This was a turning point for me. Normally, I would have let this fester and continue to make him my target until I turned something minor into a huge fight. I feel like our relationship has recharged since our date on Saturday and we have made a commitment to have a date night at least once every two months.

While we made plans for our date things didn’t go exactly as planned. We decided to drive an hour away to Milwaukee to visit one of our favorite bars and then try a restaurant we hadn’t been to before. My parents had graciously offered to watch our kids for us but they were going to be in Milwaukee during the day so the kids rode with us where we exchanged the kids at a park and ride. Our first stop was Blu at The Pfister Hotel in downtown Milwaukee. We have been visiting this bar a few times a year for about 8 years. The bar is located on the 23^rd floor of the hotel and has sweeping views of Lake Michigan as well as the city. The timing of our visit was well planned as we were able to sip on cocktails while watching the sunset over Lake Michigan. The romantic atmosphere of the bar is what brings us back. We are able to have a conversation with each other and we don’t have to worry about sloppy drunks splashing us with their drinks. We had plans to eat at a restaurant down the block however the restaurant was packed so we walked back down to The Pfister to eat at Mason Street Grill. We didn’t have reservations so we had to sit in the bar which was probably better than sitting in the dining room as there was a band playing as we ate.

What got me thinking since our date on Saturday was that the dates which are most memorable are those that are not over planned and we just live in the moment. Some of the worst dates we have were because I had  unrealistic expectations or expected perfection. I have had this idea in my head for years that romance equaled my husband orchestrating some elaborate date with some sort of “wow” factor. I am going to blame this on shows like The Bachelor that focus on elaborate dates with helicopter rides, being serenaded by Train, or having a romantic date someplace exotic.   In reality this isn’t romance, because it is assistants, interns and producers planning these elaborate dates using the television network’s money.  People can hardly be surprised when these relationships don’t survive after the show is over because the couple is forced into reality where every date isn’t an elaborate adventure. This type of scenario only leads to a romanticized idea that most men can't live up to. If my husband is reading this post, this is the point i where I expect my husband to start chuckling or gloating because he realizes he has been right all these years. Yes, I am admitting in writing that I was wrong and that all dates don’t need to be carried out with some grand romantic gesture for them to actually be romantic. Simple is actually better most of the time. Walking down the street with my husband holding hands, sneaking a kiss and hearing the sounds of Snow Patrol blaring from one of the bars we walked was pretty great. It is these moments that remind me why I fell in love with him.