Never stop dating

When you have been with someone for a long period of time, it is so easy to take things for granted.  It’s easy to be complacent with where you are in your relationship.  The day to day takes over and one day you realize that you haven’t communicated with your spouse other than through email, texting and notes on the table because you feel like you are going 100 miles an hour and can’t find the brake.    You wouldn’t plant flowers in your garden in spring and water them sporadically expecting them to grow would you? Put the time and effort into your relationship and big things will happen.  I have some ideas so you can continue to date your spouse/significant other.  I’m not talking about just going out to dinner but doing things to stay connected, continue to fall in love, and respect each other.  

Unplug

I’ve heard studies talk about how unplugging before bed can help with sleep and productivity.  Why not take the last hour or two before bed once the kids are sleeping to unplug and connect with one another?  When’s the last time you talked to your spouse?  I mean really talked to them.  No phones. No distractions.  No talking about kids.  This can help put the focus on your relationship but also have a positive impact in other aspects of your life.  

Leave love notes

When my husband and I started dating almost 17 years ago, I was in college and he was living in Two Rivers and worked second shift full time.  We generally only saw each other on weekends for a bit before he went to work.  We would talk on the phone but my favorite time was checking email at about 10:30pm.  He was generally home from work at that time and I could usually count on an email from him.  Some of that slipped off through the years but from time to time leave a note in their car telling you how much you love them, ask them out on a date, or tell them how much you appreciate them.  I don’t always remember to do this as often as I should but it sure makes my husband feel appreciated when he finds one of my little notes.  

Go on dates

Take time to do something with your spouse.  You may think, “we don’t have money for that” or “we don’t have anyone to watch the kids”.  These dates don’t have to be grand or elaborate.  We have had a date at the beach and packed some fruit, wine, and cheese and just sat on blankets watching the sunset.  It was time for just us.  If you have younger kids and don’t have someone to watch the kids, have a picnic in the living room when the kids go to bed.  Set up some candles, play some music, and talk to one another.  Rent a movie the two of you are interested in.  Sit outside on the patio or deck, look at the stars and hold hands.  When my husband worked second shift and his weekends off came around every three months we had to get creative.   Yes, we sometimes have more elaborate dates where we may spend a weekend away with each other but usually it's something simple like coffee. 

Do the unexpected

It is always nice to do something your spouse or significant other isn’t expecting.  I know my husband likes cookies. From time to time when I am at the store, I will pick up his favorite cookie for a little treat.  I may even run through Starbucks while running errands to have an iced tea waiting for him when he comes home on his lunch break.  I might even be as simple as making lunch for him on a Saturday afternoon so he can eat a warm meal instead of a sandwich.  

None of these ideas have to take a ton of time or effort.  It’s about making the other person feel special, wanted and appreciated.  Little gestures can have a big impact.  I challenge you to do something for your spouse this week and spend one hour getting to know one another all over again.  

Is love always enough?

I feel very Carrie Bradshaw right now as I write this.  I told my husband, I was going to write a post that would probably cause people to jump to conclusions but I needed to do this.  I told him I was not going spill all our secrets because that is for us to know.  Rarely do I share our problems with my friends.  It’s a trust thing.  I trust very few people.    What happens when that one issue comes up that causes you to doubt the power of love to get you through? This friends, is where my story begins. 

A few weeks ago, as we prepared to leave sunny Florida, we got an email that he knew was going to cause tension.  It came at an inopportune time.  We were leaving Florida to head back to Wisconsin where it was probably a million degrees below zero and snow was on the ground.  Winter is a touchy subject with me, so this was like pouring salt into an open wound for me.  There is this issue in which we are on opposite sides in some respects.  We both want the same end result, but getting there means one of us has to sacrifice for the other to “win”.  I hate to use the word “win”, but in this situation there is a definite “loser”.  We have sliced and diced this situation in a thousand different ways to one person doesn’t have to give up something major and there is compromise.  In this situation, it is all or nothing.  

I remember walking away from the gate area that day with my oldest to get her lunch for the flight.  I wanted to yell "fight for me, fight for us" and "it's my time". I knew I needed a time out because those words were going to do absolutely nothing. I stopped in the bathroom and put my head in my hands while standing in that stall.  I could feel the tears.  I took a few deep breaths and composed myself.  I put a smile on face as I washed my hands and we headed to get food.  I knew that this was going to be a long flight because I felt so defeated at that moment.  The kids decided they wanted to sit next to each other on the flight so as we filed in, John and next to each other in the row behind the kids.  I wasn’t mad at him, I was frustrated with the situation. 

In my heart I knew that love was not going to solve this problem and wondered if we could get through this.  What does it say about us if we couldn’t resolve something that might seem small to some people?  Would one person sacrifice for the other and then face feelings of resentment for years?  That doesn’t feel like a way to live either.  John could tell by my face and quiet demeanor that I was hurt and disappointed.  Ok, there may have been some comments about people being asshats (not sure why I chose that expression ) initially but then my demeanor turned quiet.  During the flight, he was watching a movie on his ipod and I was reading a book and then something happened.  He raised the arm rest between the two of us and grabbed my hand.  It was in that moment that I realized while love wasn’t going to solve this problem; it was a pretty good place to start.  He said nothing but that simple action told me he loved me and that we were going to get through this. 

Let me be very clear here:   I believe in love.  The kind of love that makes your heart skip a beat when you see your significant other on duty as you drop the kids off at school.  The kind of love that even though you are mad, you still put a hand on his chest during the middle of the night to feel him breathe and feel that everything is going to be ok.  I am the girl listening to Thinking out loud on repeat on my drive to work some days. The line "kiss me under a thousand stars" gets to me. Every. Single. Time. I am in love with my husband.  The reality is that marriage is hard and love can be complicated.  It doesn’t grow on auto pilot and both parties need to put time and effort into the relationship.  We learned this lesson after kids came around.  I also know that regardless of how in love you are, couples will not always agree on everything. 

For now, we are going to solve this problem one piece at a time.  We are going to listen to each other.  I mean really listen to one another.  That means no getting defensive or telling the other their perspective is wrong.  We may never see eye to eye on this but we are going to tackle this together.  That little act of understanding has showed me that taking the first step is often the hardest.  So, the next time you feel stuck, try a loving gesture and see how far it really can take you. 

 

Living in the moment

Last Saturday my husband and I did something we hadn’t done in quite some time and that was go out on a date. With the chaos of my college graduation and the holidays behind us some quality time away from the kids to focus on us was much needed. It had been two months since we had a date and during that time our daily routines and preparation for the holidays had consumed us and we weren’t stopping to take a moment to appreciate what we had in each other. I realized it was time after I started snapping at him because our computer didn’t work. It wasn’t his fault it didn’t work but for some reason made him a target for my anger. At that moment I realized we needed to do something about this. This was a turning point for me. Normally, I would have let this fester and continue to make him my target until I turned something minor into a huge fight. I feel like our relationship has recharged since our date on Saturday and we have made a commitment to have a date night at least once every two months.

While we made plans for our date things didn’t go exactly as planned. We decided to drive an hour away to Milwaukee to visit one of our favorite bars and then try a restaurant we hadn’t been to before. My parents had graciously offered to watch our kids for us but they were going to be in Milwaukee during the day so the kids rode with us where we exchanged the kids at a park and ride. Our first stop was Blu at The Pfister Hotel in downtown Milwaukee. We have been visiting this bar a few times a year for about 8 years. The bar is located on the 23^rd floor of the hotel and has sweeping views of Lake Michigan as well as the city. The timing of our visit was well planned as we were able to sip on cocktails while watching the sunset over Lake Michigan. The romantic atmosphere of the bar is what brings us back. We are able to have a conversation with each other and we don’t have to worry about sloppy drunks splashing us with their drinks. We had plans to eat at a restaurant down the block however the restaurant was packed so we walked back down to The Pfister to eat at Mason Street Grill. We didn’t have reservations so we had to sit in the bar which was probably better than sitting in the dining room as there was a band playing as we ate.

What got me thinking since our date on Saturday was that the dates which are most memorable are those that are not over planned and we just live in the moment. Some of the worst dates we have were because I had  unrealistic expectations or expected perfection. I have had this idea in my head for years that romance equaled my husband orchestrating some elaborate date with some sort of “wow” factor. I am going to blame this on shows like The Bachelor that focus on elaborate dates with helicopter rides, being serenaded by Train, or having a romantic date someplace exotic.   In reality this isn’t romance, because it is assistants, interns and producers planning these elaborate dates using the television network’s money.  People can hardly be surprised when these relationships don’t survive after the show is over because the couple is forced into reality where every date isn’t an elaborate adventure. This type of scenario only leads to a romanticized idea that most men can't live up to. If my husband is reading this post, this is the point i where I expect my husband to start chuckling or gloating because he realizes he has been right all these years. Yes, I am admitting in writing that I was wrong and that all dates don’t need to be carried out with some grand romantic gesture for them to actually be romantic. Simple is actually better most of the time. Walking down the street with my husband holding hands, sneaking a kiss and hearing the sounds of Snow Patrol blaring from one of the bars we walked was pretty great. It is these moments that remind me why I fell in love with him.