Never stop dating

When you have been with someone for a long period of time, it is so easy to take things for granted.  It’s easy to be complacent with where you are in your relationship.  The day to day takes over and one day you realize that you haven’t communicated with your spouse other than through email, texting and notes on the table because you feel like you are going 100 miles an hour and can’t find the brake.    You wouldn’t plant flowers in your garden in spring and water them sporadically expecting them to grow would you? Put the time and effort into your relationship and big things will happen.  I have some ideas so you can continue to date your spouse/significant other.  I’m not talking about just going out to dinner but doing things to stay connected, continue to fall in love, and respect each other.  

Unplug

I’ve heard studies talk about how unplugging before bed can help with sleep and productivity.  Why not take the last hour or two before bed once the kids are sleeping to unplug and connect with one another?  When’s the last time you talked to your spouse?  I mean really talked to them.  No phones. No distractions.  No talking about kids.  This can help put the focus on your relationship but also have a positive impact in other aspects of your life.  

Leave love notes

When my husband and I started dating almost 17 years ago, I was in college and he was living in Two Rivers and worked second shift full time.  We generally only saw each other on weekends for a bit before he went to work.  We would talk on the phone but my favorite time was checking email at about 10:30pm.  He was generally home from work at that time and I could usually count on an email from him.  Some of that slipped off through the years but from time to time leave a note in their car telling you how much you love them, ask them out on a date, or tell them how much you appreciate them.  I don’t always remember to do this as often as I should but it sure makes my husband feel appreciated when he finds one of my little notes.  

Go on dates

Take time to do something with your spouse.  You may think, “we don’t have money for that” or “we don’t have anyone to watch the kids”.  These dates don’t have to be grand or elaborate.  We have had a date at the beach and packed some fruit, wine, and cheese and just sat on blankets watching the sunset.  It was time for just us.  If you have younger kids and don’t have someone to watch the kids, have a picnic in the living room when the kids go to bed.  Set up some candles, play some music, and talk to one another.  Rent a movie the two of you are interested in.  Sit outside on the patio or deck, look at the stars and hold hands.  When my husband worked second shift and his weekends off came around every three months we had to get creative.   Yes, we sometimes have more elaborate dates where we may spend a weekend away with each other but usually it's something simple like coffee. 

Do the unexpected

It is always nice to do something your spouse or significant other isn’t expecting.  I know my husband likes cookies. From time to time when I am at the store, I will pick up his favorite cookie for a little treat.  I may even run through Starbucks while running errands to have an iced tea waiting for him when he comes home on his lunch break.  I might even be as simple as making lunch for him on a Saturday afternoon so he can eat a warm meal instead of a sandwich.  

None of these ideas have to take a ton of time or effort.  It’s about making the other person feel special, wanted and appreciated.  Little gestures can have a big impact.  I challenge you to do something for your spouse this week and spend one hour getting to know one another all over again.  

Is love always enough?

I feel very Carrie Bradshaw right now as I write this.  I told my husband, I was going to write a post that would probably cause people to jump to conclusions but I needed to do this.  I told him I was not going spill all our secrets because that is for us to know.  Rarely do I share our problems with my friends.  It’s a trust thing.  I trust very few people.    What happens when that one issue comes up that causes you to doubt the power of love to get you through? This friends, is where my story begins. 

A few weeks ago, as we prepared to leave sunny Florida, we got an email that he knew was going to cause tension.  It came at an inopportune time.  We were leaving Florida to head back to Wisconsin where it was probably a million degrees below zero and snow was on the ground.  Winter is a touchy subject with me, so this was like pouring salt into an open wound for me.  There is this issue in which we are on opposite sides in some respects.  We both want the same end result, but getting there means one of us has to sacrifice for the other to “win”.  I hate to use the word “win”, but in this situation there is a definite “loser”.  We have sliced and diced this situation in a thousand different ways to one person doesn’t have to give up something major and there is compromise.  In this situation, it is all or nothing.  

I remember walking away from the gate area that day with my oldest to get her lunch for the flight.  I wanted to yell "fight for me, fight for us" and "it's my time". I knew I needed a time out because those words were going to do absolutely nothing. I stopped in the bathroom and put my head in my hands while standing in that stall.  I could feel the tears.  I took a few deep breaths and composed myself.  I put a smile on face as I washed my hands and we headed to get food.  I knew that this was going to be a long flight because I felt so defeated at that moment.  The kids decided they wanted to sit next to each other on the flight so as we filed in, John and next to each other in the row behind the kids.  I wasn’t mad at him, I was frustrated with the situation. 

In my heart I knew that love was not going to solve this problem and wondered if we could get through this.  What does it say about us if we couldn’t resolve something that might seem small to some people?  Would one person sacrifice for the other and then face feelings of resentment for years?  That doesn’t feel like a way to live either.  John could tell by my face and quiet demeanor that I was hurt and disappointed.  Ok, there may have been some comments about people being asshats (not sure why I chose that expression ) initially but then my demeanor turned quiet.  During the flight, he was watching a movie on his ipod and I was reading a book and then something happened.  He raised the arm rest between the two of us and grabbed my hand.  It was in that moment that I realized while love wasn’t going to solve this problem; it was a pretty good place to start.  He said nothing but that simple action told me he loved me and that we were going to get through this. 

Let me be very clear here:   I believe in love.  The kind of love that makes your heart skip a beat when you see your significant other on duty as you drop the kids off at school.  The kind of love that even though you are mad, you still put a hand on his chest during the middle of the night to feel him breathe and feel that everything is going to be ok.  I am the girl listening to Thinking out loud on repeat on my drive to work some days. The line "kiss me under a thousand stars" gets to me. Every. Single. Time. I am in love with my husband.  The reality is that marriage is hard and love can be complicated.  It doesn’t grow on auto pilot and both parties need to put time and effort into the relationship.  We learned this lesson after kids came around.  I also know that regardless of how in love you are, couples will not always agree on everything. 

For now, we are going to solve this problem one piece at a time.  We are going to listen to each other.  I mean really listen to one another.  That means no getting defensive or telling the other their perspective is wrong.  We may never see eye to eye on this but we are going to tackle this together.  That little act of understanding has showed me that taking the first step is often the hardest.  So, the next time you feel stuck, try a loving gesture and see how far it really can take you. 

 

Embracing the struggle

I didn't think I had the courage to share this. Once in awhile there are moments that smack you in the face.  Mine was the other evening when my daughter said something and her words were about as subtle as a shovel over the head.  They stung.  The thing with teenage girls is they know the right words to say to knock a mom down emotionally.  She knows the one subject to bring up that will bring me to my knees.  Every.  Single. Time.  I left the dinner table and collapsed on my bed in tears.  It was in that moment that I knew I needed to be upfront with myself about the magnitude of my problem and own up to it with my husband. I struggle with panic attacks. 

He came in the room to check on me.  I didn't handle things in the best manner but it was all I knew how to do. He reminded me of a few things and the tears started flowing harder.  I was afraid to come clean about my struggle.  I knew my hubby would want to fix things and sadly there isn't much he can do for me.  I was worried being honest would start a war at a time I felt fragile and vulnerable. I was emotionally drained and didn't even bother eating dinner after I was able to pull myself together.  I knew that this is becoming a major problem because it is impacting my nutrition and eating habits.  My eating is something I have worked years to come to terms with and get under control.  I didn't need something like this derailing all the work I had done.  I woke up New Year's Day feeling awful and emotionally drained.  I felt like I had downed an entire bottle of vodka partying it up until 4am.  In reality, I had a glass of champagne and a bowl of popcorn before falling asleep by 10:15pm. 

Winter is the source of my anxiety. I commute about 2 hours each day for my job.  I love what I have do and have spent much of the past 10 years working on growing and developing my skills to move myself to my current position.  Due to my hubby's job we are required to live in a certain area.  During the winter, I have to commute those 45 miles in snowy and sometimes icy conditions.  Each year, as winter approaches, the anxiety and stress gets worse.  A few weeks ago, we had rain and by morning, it had turned to freezing rain. I knew I needed to get into work, so I left my house by 5:45 am.  By the time I had gotten a mile from my house, I knew I couldn't continue on.  My back was tensing up, the tears were getting bigger, I was starting to hyperventilate and my body was shaking.  By some miracle, I made it back home and pulled the car into the garage.  I managed to turn the car off and take the key out of the ignition.  I couldn't get my hands to let go of the keys and open the door. I sobbed in the car for a good 15 minutes as the radio and heat eventually turned itself off.  I made my way into the house and sat on the couch in the dark.  I made my way into work a little late but I was finally able to make the trip in.  These attacks are something I never expected but I realize everytime I get into the car on a snowy day, I have so much to lose.  Now, I am not a fan of the commute on good days, but it is much easier when the roads are clear.

The commute takes a lot of time away from my family.  I miss out on things because of the commute.  I hate this more than anything and it breaks my heart most days.  I think that as the years go on I realize that the kids are getting older and I don't want to miss out on their lives.  This is why we travel so much.  I want to have quality time with them.  I want them to remember the times we had together. They will never remember the brand of jeans or shoes they wore but they will remember the things we did as a family.

I know this is hard for my husband because he wants to fix this more than anything but is stuck.  I know I am stuck as well.   I am not willing to split the distance because that means that neither one of us works where the kids go to school and if there is an emergency I can't get to them quick enough.  What I can do, is work on my health and wellness coaching to continue to travel with the kids.  My goal for 2015 is to work hard enough to take my family to Hawaii this summer.  The beach, relaxation, and quality time brings us closer together as a family.  As a bigger goal, I am going to start saving money towards a down payment on a home in a warmer climate so I can make a significant dent on the cost of a vacation home.   While I can't get rid of the commute right now, I can take steps to design the kind of life I want. 

So, when I complain about the snow, please have compassion and understand my struggle.  I am trying to come to terms with this and hope that by being open I can help others and myself in the process.  Panic is real and has a profound physical impact to myself and my family.  I am going to find ways to cope with this by working on developing myself and being open to discussions about this with my hubby.  I hate being vulnerable and it is rare for someone to break through so sharing this with my husband was panic inducing in itself.  If you are struggling with something similar, please speak up.  If someone shares something like this with you, please be a good listener, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend.  Sometimes that is all we need.