I didn't think I had the courage to share this. Once in awhile there are moments that smack you in the face. Mine was the other evening when my daughter said something and her words were about as subtle as a shovel over the head. They stung. The thing with teenage girls is they know the right words to say to knock a mom down emotionally. She knows the one subject to bring up that will bring me to my knees. Every. Single. Time. I left the dinner table and collapsed on my bed in tears. It was in that moment that I knew I needed to be upfront with myself about the magnitude of my problem and own up to it with my husband. I struggle with panic attacks.
He came in the room to check on me. I didn't handle things in the best manner but it was all I knew how to do. He reminded me of a few things and the tears started flowing harder. I was afraid to come clean about my struggle. I knew my hubby would want to fix things and sadly there isn't much he can do for me. I was worried being honest would start a war at a time I felt fragile and vulnerable. I was emotionally drained and didn't even bother eating dinner after I was able to pull myself together. I knew that this is becoming a major problem because it is impacting my nutrition and eating habits. My eating is something I have worked years to come to terms with and get under control. I didn't need something like this derailing all the work I had done. I woke up New Year's Day feeling awful and emotionally drained. I felt like I had downed an entire bottle of vodka partying it up until 4am. In reality, I had a glass of champagne and a bowl of popcorn before falling asleep by 10:15pm.
Winter is the source of my anxiety. I commute about 2 hours each day for my job. I love what I have do and have spent much of the past 10 years working on growing and developing my skills to move myself to my current position. Due to my hubby's job we are required to live in a certain area. During the winter, I have to commute those 45 miles in snowy and sometimes icy conditions. Each year, as winter approaches, the anxiety and stress gets worse. A few weeks ago, we had rain and by morning, it had turned to freezing rain. I knew I needed to get into work, so I left my house by 5:45 am. By the time I had gotten a mile from my house, I knew I couldn't continue on. My back was tensing up, the tears were getting bigger, I was starting to hyperventilate and my body was shaking. By some miracle, I made it back home and pulled the car into the garage. I managed to turn the car off and take the key out of the ignition. I couldn't get my hands to let go of the keys and open the door. I sobbed in the car for a good 15 minutes as the radio and heat eventually turned itself off. I made my way into the house and sat on the couch in the dark. I made my way into work a little late but I was finally able to make the trip in. These attacks are something I never expected but I realize everytime I get into the car on a snowy day, I have so much to lose. Now, I am not a fan of the commute on good days, but it is much easier when the roads are clear.
The commute takes a lot of time away from my family. I miss out on things because of the commute. I hate this more than anything and it breaks my heart most days. I think that as the years go on I realize that the kids are getting older and I don't want to miss out on their lives. This is why we travel so much. I want to have quality time with them. I want them to remember the times we had together. They will never remember the brand of jeans or shoes they wore but they will remember the things we did as a family.
I know this is hard for my husband because he wants to fix this more than anything but is stuck. I know I am stuck as well. I am not willing to split the distance because that means that neither one of us works where the kids go to school and if there is an emergency I can't get to them quick enough. What I can do, is work on my health and wellness coaching to continue to travel with the kids. My goal for 2015 is to work hard enough to take my family to Hawaii this summer. The beach, relaxation, and quality time brings us closer together as a family. As a bigger goal, I am going to start saving money towards a down payment on a home in a warmer climate so I can make a significant dent on the cost of a vacation home. While I can't get rid of the commute right now, I can take steps to design the kind of life I want.
So, when I complain about the snow, please have compassion and understand my struggle. I am trying to come to terms with this and hope that by being open I can help others and myself in the process. Panic is real and has a profound physical impact to myself and my family. I am going to find ways to cope with this by working on developing myself and being open to discussions about this with my hubby. I hate being vulnerable and it is rare for someone to break through so sharing this with my husband was panic inducing in itself. If you are struggling with something similar, please speak up. If someone shares something like this with you, please be a good listener, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend. Sometimes that is all we need.
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