I feel very Carrie Bradshaw right now as I write this. I told my husband, I was going to write a post that would probably cause people to jump to conclusions but I needed to do this. I told him I was not going spill all our secrets because that is for us to know. Rarely do I share our problems with my friends. It’s a trust thing. I trust very few people. What happens when that one issue comes up that causes you to doubt the power of love to get you through? This friends, is where my story begins.
A few weeks ago, as we prepared to leave sunny Florida, we got an email that he knew was going to cause tension. It came at an inopportune time. We were leaving Florida to head back to Wisconsin where it was probably a million degrees below zero and snow was on the ground. Winter is a touchy subject with me, so this was like pouring salt into an open wound for me. There is this issue in which we are on opposite sides in some respects. We both want the same end result, but getting there means one of us has to sacrifice for the other to “win”. I hate to use the word “win”, but in this situation there is a definite “loser”. We have sliced and diced this situation in a thousand different ways to one person doesn’t have to give up something major and there is compromise. In this situation, it is all or nothing.
I remember walking away from the gate area that day with my oldest to get her lunch for the flight. I wanted to yell "fight for me, fight for us" and "it's my time". I knew I needed a time out because those words were going to do absolutely nothing. I stopped in the bathroom and put my head in my hands while standing in that stall. I could feel the tears. I took a few deep breaths and composed myself. I put a smile on face as I washed my hands and we headed to get food. I knew that this was going to be a long flight because I felt so defeated at that moment. The kids decided they wanted to sit next to each other on the flight so as we filed in, John and next to each other in the row behind the kids. I wasn’t mad at him, I was frustrated with the situation.
In my heart I knew that love was not going to solve this problem and wondered if we could get through this. What does it say about us if we couldn’t resolve something that might seem small to some people? Would one person sacrifice for the other and then face feelings of resentment for years? That doesn’t feel like a way to live either. John could tell by my face and quiet demeanor that I was hurt and disappointed. Ok, there may have been some comments about people being asshats (not sure why I chose that expression ) initially but then my demeanor turned quiet. During the flight, he was watching a movie on his ipod and I was reading a book and then something happened. He raised the arm rest between the two of us and grabbed my hand. It was in that moment that I realized while love wasn’t going to solve this problem; it was a pretty good place to start. He said nothing but that simple action told me he loved me and that we were going to get through this.
Let me be very clear here: I believe in love. The kind of love that makes your heart skip a beat when you see your significant other on duty as you drop the kids off at school. The kind of love that even though you are mad, you still put a hand on his chest during the middle of the night to feel him breathe and feel that everything is going to be ok. I am the girl listening to Thinking out loud on repeat on my drive to work some days. The line "kiss me under a thousand stars" gets to me. Every. Single. Time. I am in love with my husband. The reality is that marriage is hard and love can be complicated. It doesn’t grow on auto pilot and both parties need to put time and effort into the relationship. We learned this lesson after kids came around. I also know that regardless of how in love you are, couples will not always agree on everything.
For now, we are going to solve this problem one piece at a time. We are going to listen to each other. I mean really listen to one another. That means no getting defensive or telling the other their perspective is wrong. We may never see eye to eye on this but we are going to tackle this together. That little act of understanding has showed me that taking the first step is often the hardest. So, the next time you feel stuck, try a loving gesture and see how far it really can take you.
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