Never stop dating

When you have been with someone for a long period of time, it is so easy to take things for granted.  It’s easy to be complacent with where you are in your relationship.  The day to day takes over and one day you realize that you haven’t communicated with your spouse other than through email, texting and notes on the table because you feel like you are going 100 miles an hour and can’t find the brake.    You wouldn’t plant flowers in your garden in spring and water them sporadically expecting them to grow would you? Put the time and effort into your relationship and big things will happen.  I have some ideas so you can continue to date your spouse/significant other.  I’m not talking about just going out to dinner but doing things to stay connected, continue to fall in love, and respect each other.  

Unplug

I’ve heard studies talk about how unplugging before bed can help with sleep and productivity.  Why not take the last hour or two before bed once the kids are sleeping to unplug and connect with one another?  When’s the last time you talked to your spouse?  I mean really talked to them.  No phones. No distractions.  No talking about kids.  This can help put the focus on your relationship but also have a positive impact in other aspects of your life.  

Leave love notes

When my husband and I started dating almost 17 years ago, I was in college and he was living in Two Rivers and worked second shift full time.  We generally only saw each other on weekends for a bit before he went to work.  We would talk on the phone but my favorite time was checking email at about 10:30pm.  He was generally home from work at that time and I could usually count on an email from him.  Some of that slipped off through the years but from time to time leave a note in their car telling you how much you love them, ask them out on a date, or tell them how much you appreciate them.  I don’t always remember to do this as often as I should but it sure makes my husband feel appreciated when he finds one of my little notes.  

Go on dates

Take time to do something with your spouse.  You may think, “we don’t have money for that” or “we don’t have anyone to watch the kids”.  These dates don’t have to be grand or elaborate.  We have had a date at the beach and packed some fruit, wine, and cheese and just sat on blankets watching the sunset.  It was time for just us.  If you have younger kids and don’t have someone to watch the kids, have a picnic in the living room when the kids go to bed.  Set up some candles, play some music, and talk to one another.  Rent a movie the two of you are interested in.  Sit outside on the patio or deck, look at the stars and hold hands.  When my husband worked second shift and his weekends off came around every three months we had to get creative.   Yes, we sometimes have more elaborate dates where we may spend a weekend away with each other but usually it's something simple like coffee. 

Do the unexpected

It is always nice to do something your spouse or significant other isn’t expecting.  I know my husband likes cookies. From time to time when I am at the store, I will pick up his favorite cookie for a little treat.  I may even run through Starbucks while running errands to have an iced tea waiting for him when he comes home on his lunch break.  I might even be as simple as making lunch for him on a Saturday afternoon so he can eat a warm meal instead of a sandwich.  

None of these ideas have to take a ton of time or effort.  It’s about making the other person feel special, wanted and appreciated.  Little gestures can have a big impact.  I challenge you to do something for your spouse this week and spend one hour getting to know one another all over again.  

Is love always enough?

I feel very Carrie Bradshaw right now as I write this.  I told my husband, I was going to write a post that would probably cause people to jump to conclusions but I needed to do this.  I told him I was not going spill all our secrets because that is for us to know.  Rarely do I share our problems with my friends.  It’s a trust thing.  I trust very few people.    What happens when that one issue comes up that causes you to doubt the power of love to get you through? This friends, is where my story begins. 

A few weeks ago, as we prepared to leave sunny Florida, we got an email that he knew was going to cause tension.  It came at an inopportune time.  We were leaving Florida to head back to Wisconsin where it was probably a million degrees below zero and snow was on the ground.  Winter is a touchy subject with me, so this was like pouring salt into an open wound for me.  There is this issue in which we are on opposite sides in some respects.  We both want the same end result, but getting there means one of us has to sacrifice for the other to “win”.  I hate to use the word “win”, but in this situation there is a definite “loser”.  We have sliced and diced this situation in a thousand different ways to one person doesn’t have to give up something major and there is compromise.  In this situation, it is all or nothing.  

I remember walking away from the gate area that day with my oldest to get her lunch for the flight.  I wanted to yell "fight for me, fight for us" and "it's my time". I knew I needed a time out because those words were going to do absolutely nothing. I stopped in the bathroom and put my head in my hands while standing in that stall.  I could feel the tears.  I took a few deep breaths and composed myself.  I put a smile on face as I washed my hands and we headed to get food.  I knew that this was going to be a long flight because I felt so defeated at that moment.  The kids decided they wanted to sit next to each other on the flight so as we filed in, John and next to each other in the row behind the kids.  I wasn’t mad at him, I was frustrated with the situation. 

In my heart I knew that love was not going to solve this problem and wondered if we could get through this.  What does it say about us if we couldn’t resolve something that might seem small to some people?  Would one person sacrifice for the other and then face feelings of resentment for years?  That doesn’t feel like a way to live either.  John could tell by my face and quiet demeanor that I was hurt and disappointed.  Ok, there may have been some comments about people being asshats (not sure why I chose that expression ) initially but then my demeanor turned quiet.  During the flight, he was watching a movie on his ipod and I was reading a book and then something happened.  He raised the arm rest between the two of us and grabbed my hand.  It was in that moment that I realized while love wasn’t going to solve this problem; it was a pretty good place to start.  He said nothing but that simple action told me he loved me and that we were going to get through this. 

Let me be very clear here:   I believe in love.  The kind of love that makes your heart skip a beat when you see your significant other on duty as you drop the kids off at school.  The kind of love that even though you are mad, you still put a hand on his chest during the middle of the night to feel him breathe and feel that everything is going to be ok.  I am the girl listening to Thinking out loud on repeat on my drive to work some days. The line "kiss me under a thousand stars" gets to me. Every. Single. Time. I am in love with my husband.  The reality is that marriage is hard and love can be complicated.  It doesn’t grow on auto pilot and both parties need to put time and effort into the relationship.  We learned this lesson after kids came around.  I also know that regardless of how in love you are, couples will not always agree on everything. 

For now, we are going to solve this problem one piece at a time.  We are going to listen to each other.  I mean really listen to one another.  That means no getting defensive or telling the other their perspective is wrong.  We may never see eye to eye on this but we are going to tackle this together.  That little act of understanding has showed me that taking the first step is often the hardest.  So, the next time you feel stuck, try a loving gesture and see how far it really can take you. 

 

Embracing the struggle

I didn't think I had the courage to share this. Once in awhile there are moments that smack you in the face.  Mine was the other evening when my daughter said something and her words were about as subtle as a shovel over the head.  They stung.  The thing with teenage girls is they know the right words to say to knock a mom down emotionally.  She knows the one subject to bring up that will bring me to my knees.  Every.  Single. Time.  I left the dinner table and collapsed on my bed in tears.  It was in that moment that I knew I needed to be upfront with myself about the magnitude of my problem and own up to it with my husband. I struggle with panic attacks. 

He came in the room to check on me.  I didn't handle things in the best manner but it was all I knew how to do. He reminded me of a few things and the tears started flowing harder.  I was afraid to come clean about my struggle.  I knew my hubby would want to fix things and sadly there isn't much he can do for me.  I was worried being honest would start a war at a time I felt fragile and vulnerable. I was emotionally drained and didn't even bother eating dinner after I was able to pull myself together.  I knew that this is becoming a major problem because it is impacting my nutrition and eating habits.  My eating is something I have worked years to come to terms with and get under control.  I didn't need something like this derailing all the work I had done.  I woke up New Year's Day feeling awful and emotionally drained.  I felt like I had downed an entire bottle of vodka partying it up until 4am.  In reality, I had a glass of champagne and a bowl of popcorn before falling asleep by 10:15pm. 

Winter is the source of my anxiety. I commute about 2 hours each day for my job.  I love what I have do and have spent much of the past 10 years working on growing and developing my skills to move myself to my current position.  Due to my hubby's job we are required to live in a certain area.  During the winter, I have to commute those 45 miles in snowy and sometimes icy conditions.  Each year, as winter approaches, the anxiety and stress gets worse.  A few weeks ago, we had rain and by morning, it had turned to freezing rain. I knew I needed to get into work, so I left my house by 5:45 am.  By the time I had gotten a mile from my house, I knew I couldn't continue on.  My back was tensing up, the tears were getting bigger, I was starting to hyperventilate and my body was shaking.  By some miracle, I made it back home and pulled the car into the garage.  I managed to turn the car off and take the key out of the ignition.  I couldn't get my hands to let go of the keys and open the door. I sobbed in the car for a good 15 minutes as the radio and heat eventually turned itself off.  I made my way into the house and sat on the couch in the dark.  I made my way into work a little late but I was finally able to make the trip in.  These attacks are something I never expected but I realize everytime I get into the car on a snowy day, I have so much to lose.  Now, I am not a fan of the commute on good days, but it is much easier when the roads are clear.

The commute takes a lot of time away from my family.  I miss out on things because of the commute.  I hate this more than anything and it breaks my heart most days.  I think that as the years go on I realize that the kids are getting older and I don't want to miss out on their lives.  This is why we travel so much.  I want to have quality time with them.  I want them to remember the times we had together. They will never remember the brand of jeans or shoes they wore but they will remember the things we did as a family.

I know this is hard for my husband because he wants to fix this more than anything but is stuck.  I know I am stuck as well.   I am not willing to split the distance because that means that neither one of us works where the kids go to school and if there is an emergency I can't get to them quick enough.  What I can do, is work on my health and wellness coaching to continue to travel with the kids.  My goal for 2015 is to work hard enough to take my family to Hawaii this summer.  The beach, relaxation, and quality time brings us closer together as a family.  As a bigger goal, I am going to start saving money towards a down payment on a home in a warmer climate so I can make a significant dent on the cost of a vacation home.   While I can't get rid of the commute right now, I can take steps to design the kind of life I want. 

So, when I complain about the snow, please have compassion and understand my struggle.  I am trying to come to terms with this and hope that by being open I can help others and myself in the process.  Panic is real and has a profound physical impact to myself and my family.  I am going to find ways to cope with this by working on developing myself and being open to discussions about this with my hubby.  I hate being vulnerable and it is rare for someone to break through so sharing this with my husband was panic inducing in itself.  If you are struggling with something similar, please speak up.  If someone shares something like this with you, please be a good listener, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend.  Sometimes that is all we need. 

Embracing imperfection

I am convinced that perfect holidays are complete bullshit perpetuated by Pinterest. I love the holiday season. Every year I get big ideas of doing grand and wonderful things as a family and every year I am disappointed. The fact of the situation is that I have these expectations of a perfect holiday and I put too much pressure on my family to live up to this. After an unsuccessful attempt at holiday fun two weeks ago, I decided to embrace holiday imperfection.

Two weeks ago, we decided to go see the holiday train as it came through Milwaukee. We took the kids out to dinner, stopped for coffee and headed to the train station. Before we even arrived at the train station my son announced he had to pee. Well we were nowhere near a bathroom so he was told he was going to have to hold it for a bit longer.  As we approached the train station, it was clear parking was going to be a challenge.  My hubby dropped us off a few blocks away from the station as he thought we could navigate a little quicker by foot.  We walked to the train station and the closer we got the more I realized there was no way we were getting in there to use the bathroom. I texted my hubby to let him know I was walking down to a hotel a few blocks down to get him to a bathroom. On the way there, my daughter tripped and fell. She was in tears, while my son was whining he "had to pee right now."  We made our way inside only to find the ground level restrooms locked. We made our way to the main lobby and finally found bathrooms. The lobby looked like a ghost town and I caught a disapproving look from an employee cleaning.  At that point, I didn't care as I needed to get this kid to a bathroom now.  We met back up with my husband at the train station and realized that it was going to be hard to see anything.  We were packed tightly in with a large crowd.  I am thankful the weather was mild that night.  It became apparent the train was running late and I did some searching and it was 45 minutes late.  We decided to scrap the plan and head home because the kids were whining and it was a less than exciting experience.  I was so frustrated with the situation and on the way home I said I was done with Christmas even though I had big plans for two weeks later.

Fast forward to the weekend before Christmas.  We decided to do a 5k run with the running store I shop at.  The kids surprisingly got out of bed without much complaining and made our way to the running store.  Within the first half mile, the girls were already fading.  My hubby stayed back with them and Sean and I continued with the rest of the group.  Sean and I had a nice time running together and John and the girls followed behind shortly after.  From there we went to the Mitchell Park Domes.  It was beyond busy that morning and we seemed to be done quicker than I expected.  We headed for lunch and later for some shopping.  We had enough points for a free hotel stay so once we were done shopping, we headed to the hotel to get checked in and settled.  We let the kids chill for a bit before we headed out for Holiday Lites at the Miller Brewing Company.  The kids were grumpy and when we go there they were upset this was outside.  I was starting to become frustrated but realized that it had been a busy day and I needed to cut them some slack.  By the time we actually saw the lights there were in much better moods. I had two beer samples while the rest of the family had soda.  That concluded our day of holiday fun.  It may not be perfect for fun but it was perfect for me.  It was just the five of us and we had fun. 

Lunchtime fun

Lunchtime fun.  I was even brave enough to go without makeup here.  I'm still here to talk about it too. 

I have no idea why she is making this face but it sums up our family and our less than perfect life.

When it comes to actual Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I could do without.  By the time I get to that point, I am just ready for it to be over.  There are reminders of sadness on those days.  When I was 14, my grandpa died on Christmas Eve.  It's traumatic to be dozing off in a hospital waiting room and being awakened by the sounds of your grandma sobbing after losing the love of her life.  It has been over 20 years since that day but it's one of those situations, you just don't forget.  My husband has already lost both of his parents and it is heartbreaking to see your hubby visiting his parents on Christmas at the cemetery.  There is nothing I can do to ease this pain for him this time of year except to hold his hand when he reaches out.  This year was no different as I saw him and my son just standing there having their moment at the cemetery.  The girls weren't strong enough to get out of the car so I sat and held their hands while they cried. 

Aside from the moments of sadness yesterday, we had one of the best Christmases in a long time.  We woke up to the sound of the kids discovering the presents under the tree. Sean woke Mackenzie up in his typical fashion.  Mackenzie grumbled about how tired she was but got up anyway.   There were no fancy electronics under the tree this year and frankly we kept gift giving pretty low key this year.  The kids were grateful for what was given to them this year and I think they are realizing that the things that can be bought in a store are not the things that mean the most.  The things that matter most are the experiences we have together as a family.  My oldest cried when she received her "big" present this year.  It was a ticket to see Idina Menzel in Chicago.  She is already talking about how we are going to spend a summer day in Chicago, stay in a hotel and see the concert together as a family.  We later went to see my parents and sister and when we were done there, came back home to hang out.  The kids and John played legos while I took advantage of the nice weather and went running.  We had dinner together as a family and watched Elf.  It was truly a lovely Christmas. 

As I reflect on this Christmas season, I realize that spending time together and counting our blessings is far more important than the other stuff we think we have to get done for the holiday.  I don't need to make fancy cookies to share with guests.  It's ok to not send Christmas cards if I don't want to.  It's ok to do all my Christmas shopping online and buy gift cards for people if that's what they really want.  From now on, when Christmas overwhelms me I am going to remember the religious reason we celebrate and take a moment to be thankful for my little family.  I am vowing to not get wrapped up in meaningless holiday stuff if it doesn't help me grow as a person or help others.  If we are a bit imperfect, I can accept this.  I would rather be imperfect and real than being a family that is something we are not.  So, for all of you families out there feeling overwhelmed that your house doesn't look like the pictures posted on Pinterest, let it go.  Embrace imperfection and stay true to yourself.  Hope you all had a fabulous holiday. 

Comparison

Comparison. Just don't.

The last few weeks I have been seeing others successes and equating it to a failure on my part.  Whether it was regarding business, family, running, my pants size and whatever else seemed to cross my path.  Much of this was because of things I was seeing on social media.  The thing is that what I see on social media are all the highlights, not the struggles. 

I spent much of the past two weeks reflecting on my reactions to things and wondering why I felt the need to measure my worth based on what others were capable of. My reaction to those situations was mine and mine alone.  Start celebrating your successes and realize there is always opportunity in the failures.  

If your dream is to start a business. Find a way. Don't worry about what others are going to think.  Sucess or failure is based on the effort put in.  We all make choices. Are your choices getting you closer to your goal? 

For now I'm going to work on the things that make me happy. First, I'm going to continue to pour my heart and soul into running. I may never be a 6 minute mile and that's ok. I'm going to celebrate the days where I'm making progress. I will be giddy when I run 10 minute miles rather than apologizing for being slower than someone else. That 10 minute mile is progress for me and I need to celebrate those victories no matter how little. There is always going to be someone faster than me.  Second, I'm going to work on my family. Life is a bit of a challenge these days with juggling opposite schedules, the kids being in school, and sports.  We may make choices not everyone is a fan of but that's ok if we are doing what is best for us. Lastly, I'm going to work on the things that are opportunities for me. There are always things we can get better at and I'm going to take the time to work on those things. 

So, my point is, figure out what makes you happy and go for it. It may be tough.  You may not know where to start but there generally is a way to chase your dreams. You may not think now is not perfect time but guess what it never will be. You need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. For now, I'm not going to worry as much about posts on social media and make my decisions based on what makes my heart happy! 

Baby steps .....

I have been working on gathering the courage to publish this blog for weeks now.  I don't like attention on my but I know there are people who may benefit from my story.  It seems like we are so programmed to expect everything to happen right away. The funny thing is that life doesn't work that way. After I had kids I struggled with my weight. I would go on diets, get frustrated when the results were not quick enough and go back to my old habits. That isn't the answer to lasting success though. About 14 months ago I embarked on a journey that has changed me in ways I could have never expected. My success has stemmed from baby steps, patience, and being ok with taking a few steps back before moving forward again. 

On May 5th, 2013  I woke up and decided I wanted to run a marathon. This is comical because I have never run more than a few blocks at a time.  I found some clothes that would serve as workout clothes and laced up my shoes. My youngest daughter came along with me and we took a walk. We walked about 2.5 miles that day and it took me almost an hour. I was sore for days. The old me would have decided that was enough and given up. But this time I didn't.  I kept pushing and trying. Eventually I was able to cover that same distance in 30 minutes. I set small goals for myself and worked myself towards my first half marathon in November. Since then I have 4 half marathons under my belt and am registered for two full marathons. I will be participating in Chicago in October and the Walt Disney Marathon in January. I am so completely nervous about covering 26.2 miles but a year ago 13.1 seemed completely overwhelming. 

A little more than 6 months ago I started added strength training to my routine. I faithfully got myself out of bed at 4:45 every morning to either get my run in or take a class at my local gym.  I didn't enjoy getting up early and missing out on sleep but I also didn't want to take time away from my family to get the workout done after work.

I started to eat healthier but didn't cut out everything I liked. I just started practicing moderation. Eventually I started cutting out some of the junk. Now, our entire family is on a path to clean eating and getting healthy.  My kids are not completely on board with this but I think over time they will realize they are not being deprived of anything and will enjoy the benefits of less processed food. In 6 months I had dropped several sizes and almost 50 pounds.

Recently I also started adding p90x3 to my routine. It has been tough but I continue to push myself past my comfort zone and do the workouts faithfully. I am feeling so great lately and only wish I had done this sooner. My running has improved in a few weeks of this workout and ran the 5k distance 6 minutes faster than what I could run it a year ago at this time.

The bottom line here is that success isn't given, it is earned. Figure out what you want to accomplish, write down your goals and take small steps working towards them.  Don't give up when you have setbacks because inevitably you will encounter road blocks. How you deal with road blocks will determine your success. Keep dreaming big, pushing yourself and realize that the sky is the limit.

This photo is me about a year ago (left) and a few weeks ago (right). 

These are photos from my four half marathons. 

Where's my cape?

It's been awhile since I have posted something that wasn't a race recap but today was just one of those days I needed to get to get things off my heart.  For the past few weeks I have been feeling very overwhelmed and tonight it came to a head as I was washing dishes after dinner. I literally broke down while scrubbing the crock pot from tonight's dinner. I don't know why that moment got to me but I know for certain it wasn't the dishes that made me sad. I am pretty certain it was due to the fact that the kids were in the living room and I was alone for those 15 minutes.  I try to keep that stressed and sad side of me hidden from them.  While I don't want to hide the fact that I am human and moms sometimes have hard days too, I just don't want them to worry about certain things.  There have been lots of changes over the past few weeks and I have been struggling with managing it all.  Sometimes I just need to let it out so you can move on.

A month ago, we met with our realtor and officially put our land up for sale. This was a bittersweet day. We had been planning on building our dream house for years and we recently had to make the call that this dream was not meant to be. This was one of those decisions that challenged our relationship. It took some perspective to realize that this was just a piece of land for a structure to be placed on and home could be wherever we were together as a family.

During the week, I am going non-stop from 5am until about 8pm. While I love being a mom, it is exhausting sometimes.  I am getting burned out from commuting 45 miles each way to work and wonder how I am going to mange all the responsibilities once the kids are back in school. The kids have after school commitments and I want to be there to support them. When I can't, it makes me feel like a failure to my kids.  All I want is to be closer to work but that isn't an option. Hearing it is only a few more years is hard because it feels like an eternity. Winter in Wisconsin feels like it lasts for 9 months of the year. I am trying to be positive but the closer we get to September the more anxious I get. I am hoping for some sort of miracle but I don't think it is likely. Then I wonder what in the world are we going to do when this house finally sells.

I have been frustrated with certain relationships lately. Sometimes it feels like certain relationships are one sided.  While relationships aren't about keeping score, it is hard when you are the one putting in all the effort. It is frustrating when people you thought were friends seems to disappear without an explanation. All I can do is wonder what I could have done differently. I am fortunate for new relationships I am forming with some people that are as passionate about running as I am.

Keeping our marriage strong these days requires a bit of work as our schedules often overlap so our time together is more about quality than quantity. We get an hour for a date once every three weeks and then it is usually an hour at Starbucks. It is hard to stay connected sometimes.  Most of the communication we have these days is regarding what needs to be done in the house and things I need to know about the kids.  Communication is generally through email and texting. Then there is the paralyzing fear that sets in on nights that my husband isn't home within 30 minutes of his shift ending.

As I write this I begin to find myself feeling guilty because there are so many others going through much worse. Even so, we all have bad days and it's ok to recognize the human side and work through the feelings. So tonight, after the kitchen was cleaned the kids and I got into the car, headed to Starbucks and played scrabble while the rain fell outside. While I didn't solve any of my problems during that time, I did forget about them for a bit and just enjoyed the time with my kids.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will just take things one day at a time.  For now, have a good night friends.