Courage

Let me just say writing this post makes me uncomfortable because it makes me vulnerable. Sharing how I truly feel is something most people don't see because I am the type that tries to smile when I am falling apart. I have had to do it for much of my life because others needed me to be strong.  It didn't feel fair to have a moment to be sad knowing there is always someone out there dealing with something worse. Being vulnerable right now seems like the only thing I can do since the tears have been rolling down my face for the last 12 hours. My husband has been here to hold my hand and I know he is ready to fix it but I just can't bring myself to speak.

For many years I struggled with accepting myself as I was. I was always more concerned about being the person others wanted. Let me tell you that is exhausting. Finally, my husband came into my life and made me see all the things I couldn't see. I became comfortable being the person I was and it felt great.  I realized that if people didn't want to be my friend for superficial reasons they probably didn't share my values and it truly was their loss. I will be forever grateful to my husband for that. Recently I have been struggling with some things I haven't for in years and I realize that it is because I worry about trying to be something I'm not. I have lost some of that confidence.

What really has me shaken is something that happened over the weekend.  Yesterday I stood up for myself and others. I normally don't with this person and just let the comments slide because it is just easier. Finally I had enough and decided to speak my mind. Well now I am filled with regret and my heart is heavy. I know it needed to be done but unfortunately the kids and I have so much to lose as a result. This should be a victory because I finally summoned up the courage to stand up for myself but instead I feel alone and hurt. I feel hurt because I wonder when someone is going to stand up for me instead of letting "mean" win.

For now all I can do is protect myself and my family from further hurt, pray and hug my hubby and kids tight. I need to trust that in the end good wins.

Live. Love. Hope.

The last few weeks have really had me doubting my faith in humanity. First the mass shooting in a Colorado movie theater then a shooting in a house of worship. People go to church to find peace, pray, and feel safe. I wondered how people could continue to feel safe carrying on with their every day life. Then a week and a half ago I saw the YouTube video that inspired many.

A man from my hometown received the news that his cancer was back and there was nothing more that could be done. He posted his final goodbye in a heart breaking video. What happened after that was simply amazing. A friend started a Facebook group and had thousands of members within 24 hours, a tribute video was made by an exceptional woman, celebrities shared Eric's story on Twitter and people all over the would showed their love and support for Eric. People were showing their support by coloring the city orange. Stores in many cities ran out of orange balloons as people tried to show their support. I have never met Eric but I feel inspired by him. His attitude and outlook on life has shown me that some things are worth fighting for and that hope can be found in spite of tragedy. Seeing a community come together like they did for Eric is nothing short of amazing. Through this tragedy my faith in humanity has been restored.

As you live your life take risks, love with all your heart, say "I love you' often, and don't wait for tomorrow to follow your dreams. Take the time to tell those people in your life you love them. Remember that the little nuicances in life are just that. Thank you Eric for helping the world slow down for a little bit and may your family find peace.

I don't wanna ....

Tonight, after about the millionth fight about this house, I have come to the painful realization our house is going to be put up for sale in the next two months. This shouldn't surprise me, we have had land to build our new house for years, have had plans drawn up for the new house and have even started to put things in storage for the new house. This should be happy and exciting but instead I am filled with worry, anxiety, and sadness. We need space and I won't deny that. Five people living in a 950 square foot house certainly poses a challenge.

We have lived in our house for almost 13 years. Probably about 10 years longer than we anticipated when we bought this house. I always said I couldn't wait to sell this house and have a new house, but now that the time is almost here, I don't feel like I can. I remember my husband telling me how the previous owner cried when they closed on the house. He said he couldn't imagine why, because after all it was just a house. I now understand why. This is the place we came home to the day after we were married. I told my husband we were going to be parents in the living room we are currently sitting in. This is the place we came home to, completely exhausted, after having all three of our children, Our kids took their first steps in this home. We have experienced both joy and sorrow in this house. We have had countless fights in this house and have also made up many times. There have been times when one or both of us felt like walking away but we have always come back.

As I wipe away my tears, I know what I need to do. I need to start packing up some of our stuff and get this house ready for the market. Some of the stuff will be placed in out storage unit and some of our stuff will be taken to my parents house (although I haven't told them that yet). Yes, mom that means you get to guard my purse and shoe collection from a little while, but I get them back. The next six months will no doubt be a challenge but I need to remember how blessed I am to have the opportunity that lies ahead.

Today we remember

                Four years ago on our way home from the Milwaukee zoo, we received the call that my mother in law was nearing the end of her life. She had been battling cancer for almost a year and the week before things took a turn for the worst. She was placed on hospice and given a month to live. We knew the moment was coming but didn’t expect it that day. It was the day before mother’s day and we had taken my mom with us to the Milwaukee Zoo so she could spend the day with her family.  We had considered postponing the trip but my sister in law told us to go as her mom would have wanted my mom to have a nice mother’s day.  We were less than a mile from home when the phone rang and my husband started speeding down the road to make it in time. We hit a stop light that was red and I remember my dad telling John to just go as there were no cars coming through at the moment. When we got to my mother in laws house, we hopped out of the car and told my parents to take the kids home. My heart ached for my husband and his sister as they had to say goodbye to their mom. It didn’t seem fair as they had lost their dad 11 years earlier. My mother in law was a very special woman and probably taught us all a few things along the way.

                She always took chances on people and was kind to everyone she met. She accepted me as an important part of her son’s life even though it probably wasn’t easy for her. When I first met her I was a 19 year old college student with an eyebrow ring and John was 27.  She trusted John’s judgment and could tell how much he loved me by the way he always looked at me. She was always nice to those she met. I remember being at a brewer game for my husband’s birthday and we brought cupcakes for desert. Since we had extras we were not going to be able to eat she walked around to those tailgating around us to share the cupcakes. She was always willing to forgive people and give them another chance.

                I am so fortunate for my parents and family. Family is so important and is not just defined by those you are related to. There are a lot of people I consider family that aren’t related to me. When John and I got married and our families truly joined and have been a part of each other’s lives ever since. The same thing happened why John’s sister got married. It was not uncommon for our families to be together for holidays. My mom even spent an evening taking care of my mother in law while she was in hospice so we could have a break. My brother in law’s family have included us and made us feel as if we are an adopted part of their family at times. I will be forever grateful to them for making us feel welcome. My parents have been welcoming and include my sister in law, brother in law and their daughters at events as well. Their daughters even call my mom grandma Judy. We are truly blessed that our children can be part of such a wonderful family and that families can come together like this.

                Tonight I will probably hug my kids and husband a little tighter, thankful for the blessings in my life. I try to remember that you never know what your future holds so live life and don’t be afraid to take a risk. Don’t be afraid to say “I Love You”,  a lot. Never underestimate your ability to impact the lives of others so choose your words and actions carefully.

               

Keep on swimming .....

                Being married and having kids is a lot of fun. There are times, however, when balancing marriage and family challenges the strongest marriages. Last week was one of those weeks for us. There were more tantrums from the kids than normal and there were three nights that either my husband or I was gone in the evening. We are also preparing to sell our house, start building a new house, and move (possibly twice) all within the next 8 months. Overwhelmed is a good way to describe how I was feeling.

There were situations with the kids last week that drove us to the edge. Let me just say that dealing with a pre-teen daughter is a daunting task. We had the great sisterly war of 2012 the other night. Mackenzie pushed her sister because she didn’t like the way she was coloring with sidewalk chalk in the driveway. That ended the outside playtime for her. She of course got mad and told us to never talk to her again. The bad part of this was that I found a note that said “I hate you” under my pillow that night. Yep, that one hurt. I am trying to be understanding because I was there once and at that age everything is some sort of tragedy. There is nothing a parent can say or do to make it better. After getting a taste of what is to come, I have a new appreciation for what my parents dealt with while my sister and I were growing up.  

Saturday night when we finally About 30 minutes after our son went to bed on Saturday night he threw temper tantrum for over an hour. We thought he had calmed down so we decided it was time to get some sleep and then he started up again. I spent about 30 minutes with him in the living room trying to get him to calm down so the rest of the house wasn’t awakened.

                Our marriage and taking time for us was the last thing on our mind this week. My husband and I are pretty good about making time to have a real conversation with each other at the end of each day. We also try to take time to go on a dates regularly. This helps to keep us connected. My mom has always been the biggest supporter of us having time for dates because she knows how important it is for a marriage. This week our conversations were more matter of fact and an exchange of information. It felt like we just existed in the same space and had no real connection. This is a horrible feeling and I wondered where we had taken a wrong turn. I then realized we were spending more time criticizing each other in regards to how we handled the kids this week instead of actually supporting each other. We both have areas we can improve on when it comes to handling the kids and can probably learn from each other.              

                By the time I finally went to bed on Saturday I felt defeated. My husband was already sleeping soundly so venting to him wasn’t an option. I needed something to snap me out of this funk or I would spend much of the night worrying and thinking.  I sat in the dark looking at pictures from our last family vacation to Florida on my ipad. You know what, it actually helped. I couldn’t help but smile while looking at those pictures and remembering all the fun we had on that trip.  I am also going to take some advice I have received from some of my friends (you know who you are) and just keep swimming. This feeling isn’t going to last forever and in the end learned something from this week. I also take comfort that Saturday is date day.

Surprise ….. they were listening!

      Being responsible for the well being and moral development of a child is hard work. My husband and I do our best to teach our kids about the right thing to do, helping others and how to act in public. We try our best to demonstrate this to them by holding doors for people at stores, thanking people who have held the door for us, allowing someone with only a few items at the grocery store to go ahead of us in line, donating food to food drives, etc. I think they are sick of hearing about this stuff but we believe these are important lessons to help them be successful in life.  Now that the kids are older and spending more time with their friends they want more freedom.  These teachable moments have become even more important because there are more times when we aren’t with them.  The request for more freedom often becomes a source of tension especially when one child is 10 and the other two are 8. There are things we may let our oldest do because she is more mature than her brother and sister. This often results in temper tantrums, lots of tears, and slammed doors. Our oldest gets upset because there are certain things she cannot do yet because she isn’t quite mature enough.

While the kids were on spring break my husband decided to allow the kids to ride their bikes to the gas station to pick up some butter as we needed it for the meal that was being prepared. The gas station is only about 6 blocks from our house and isn’t in a high traffic area so he figured this would be a good test for them. I was on my way home from work and he told me what they were doing and I immediately started to worry about all the horrible things that could happen to them. I suspect my reaction is the reason my husband made this decision when I wasn’t around. They did a great job and came home very proud of what they had just done. My son even told me that he stayed outside of the gas station with the bikes so his little sister wouldn’t have to wait outside and get scared. As I started to think back to my childhood, I recalled that by the time I was that age I was riding my bike from one side of town to the other to go to my grandma’s house.

After spending much of the weekend on the go with a trip to Green Bay on Saturday and a trip to Milwaukee on Sunday, the kids were a little stir crazy so we decided to let them go to the gas station last night before dinner. My husband gave our oldest money to buy butter since we were going to need it by the end of the week. She took the three dollars he had given her and carefully shoved it in her pants pocket and put a cell phone in her other pocket. The younger two went along with her so one of them could wait outside and watch the bikes. My son had received some money from Easter egg hunts a few weeks ago and he couldn’t wait to spend his riches. He shoved his money in his pocket intent on buying something while he was there. I was nervous the whole time they were gone and asked my husband a few times how long he thought they would be gone for. Within 15 minutes they were back and my son came in with a bag exclaiming he had bought me something funny at the gas station. I was a little worried because he is a boy and our ideas of funny don’t always line up. He proudly pulled out a dill pickle and told me he bought it for me because I like pickles. At that moment I was almost in tears and my heart was filled with joy. He had not only used some of his money to bring me a treat but took the time to pick out something special he knew I would like. It was probably one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received. He had even bought a bag of popcorn for his sisters to share.

Being able to have freedom and do something on your own is quite amazing feeling. I remember feeling like I was on top of the world as I started to do things on my own with my friends, moving away to college, and getting a car. I still find myself amazed that my husband and I are grown ups and are the ones in charge.  That’s a scary thought sometimes. Now that I am a parent, I realize that my parents were probably filled with worry the first time they let me walk the three blocks to school on my own, letting me ride my bike across town and sending me away to college. Even though they may have been anxious, worried and scared about the freedom I was being given they never let me see anything other than a smile. I know that even though deep down I am in full on panic mode I need to put a smile on my face so my kids can be confident as they try something new. They will probably not make the right decisions every time but those situations are what will help them learn and grow. There are days my husband and I feel defeated because the kids seem to do the opposite of what we ask. This is normal as kids are always going to know test their limits and boundaries as they get older and want more freedom. For now though, I am going to consider yesterday a victory!

Spontaneity

        Spontaneity is often forgotten about when one becomes a mom. It is hard to be spontaneous when you have three children and they need snacks, diapers, extra clothes, etc. before walking out the door. I was perfectly fine with that arrangement because I thrive when I have every detail planned out. I feel uneasy when there are details that haven’t been attended to. Now that my kids are older and more self sufficient there is no reason not to pick up and go. I have found out recently that being spontaneous can be a lot of fun and is far less stressful than obsessing over every detail. 

This past Saturday was a perfect example of how living in the moment can fill your heart with such joy. As I was eating breakfast and checking out what was happening on Facebook there was a post from my favorite photographer about a free photo shoot in the park later that morning. Without much thought I yelled to the kids to get ready as we were going to have pictures taken in the snow at the park.. I quickly texted my sister in law about the opportunity in case she wanted to get pictures of her girls. I knew I had to be strategic in getting everyone ready in less than two hours especially since my husband was still outside clearing seven inches of wet, heavy snow from the night before. Somehow in a matter of an hour and forty-five minutes everyone was photo ready. Yes, there was some chaos in getting everyone ready, finding gloves that matched (since my kids could only find the gloves without mates that morning), and finding the kids coats that weren’t filthy from many days of playing outside at recess. Now, anyone who truly knows me will tell you that this is out of character for me as I like to make sure that before pictures are taken all outfits are clean and ready to go, hair has been perfectly styled, and everyone is coordinated.

The fun started as soon as we arrived at the park. Visions of my nieces playing in the snow with their parents came into sight as we approached. The fun started as soon as we got out of our car.  Our kids quickly jumped into the snowball fight going on. My husband and his sister were throwing snowballs at each other and at one point I heard him tell her they haven’t done that since they were in junior high. On the surface it was just a snowball fight but in reality it was a really sweet moment between these two. They are not the type of hug each other or even say I love you. Those things are understood in the actions they take.  I even took part in the snowball fight even though snow is my nemesis. We got some pictures of the kids and were lucky to get a group shot of all of us together. We continued to play outside in the snow well after the photos were done being taken. After we returned from home my heart was filled with so much love and this was truly the highlight of the weekend. 

        I am blessed for those people and opportunities which give you a push to savor the little things in life rather than losing sight in the details. Details are important but spending too much time wrapped up in these causes me to lose sight of what is important. Sometimes I have these grand plans of things I want to do with the family and almost always something doesn’t go as planned and someone ends up disappointed. Going forward I am making a point to do things without a plan as those are the situations that the kids talk about and will probably remember the most.  I think this will help us enjoy the journey as much as the destination. We sure do laugh about the two times we had to evacuate a hotel in the middle of the night after the fire alarm went off.  

Living in the moment

Last Saturday my husband and I did something we hadn’t done in quite some time and that was go out on a date. With the chaos of my college graduation and the holidays behind us some quality time away from the kids to focus on us was much needed. It had been two months since we had a date and during that time our daily routines and preparation for the holidays had consumed us and we weren’t stopping to take a moment to appreciate what we had in each other. I realized it was time after I started snapping at him because our computer didn’t work. It wasn’t his fault it didn’t work but for some reason made him a target for my anger. At that moment I realized we needed to do something about this. This was a turning point for me. Normally, I would have let this fester and continue to make him my target until I turned something minor into a huge fight. I feel like our relationship has recharged since our date on Saturday and we have made a commitment to have a date night at least once every two months.

While we made plans for our date things didn’t go exactly as planned. We decided to drive an hour away to Milwaukee to visit one of our favorite bars and then try a restaurant we hadn’t been to before. My parents had graciously offered to watch our kids for us but they were going to be in Milwaukee during the day so the kids rode with us where we exchanged the kids at a park and ride. Our first stop was Blu at The Pfister Hotel in downtown Milwaukee. We have been visiting this bar a few times a year for about 8 years. The bar is located on the 23^rd floor of the hotel and has sweeping views of Lake Michigan as well as the city. The timing of our visit was well planned as we were able to sip on cocktails while watching the sunset over Lake Michigan. The romantic atmosphere of the bar is what brings us back. We are able to have a conversation with each other and we don’t have to worry about sloppy drunks splashing us with their drinks. We had plans to eat at a restaurant down the block however the restaurant was packed so we walked back down to The Pfister to eat at Mason Street Grill. We didn’t have reservations so we had to sit in the bar which was probably better than sitting in the dining room as there was a band playing as we ate.

What got me thinking since our date on Saturday was that the dates which are most memorable are those that are not over planned and we just live in the moment. Some of the worst dates we have were because I had  unrealistic expectations or expected perfection. I have had this idea in my head for years that romance equaled my husband orchestrating some elaborate date with some sort of “wow” factor. I am going to blame this on shows like The Bachelor that focus on elaborate dates with helicopter rides, being serenaded by Train, or having a romantic date someplace exotic.   In reality this isn’t romance, because it is assistants, interns and producers planning these elaborate dates using the television network’s money.  People can hardly be surprised when these relationships don’t survive after the show is over because the couple is forced into reality where every date isn’t an elaborate adventure. This type of scenario only leads to a romanticized idea that most men can't live up to. If my husband is reading this post, this is the point i where I expect my husband to start chuckling or gloating because he realizes he has been right all these years. Yes, I am admitting in writing that I was wrong and that all dates don’t need to be carried out with some grand romantic gesture for them to actually be romantic. Simple is actually better most of the time. Walking down the street with my husband holding hands, sneaking a kiss and hearing the sounds of Snow Patrol blaring from one of the bars we walked was pretty great. It is these moments that remind me why I fell in love with him.